


Gods and the apocalypse

by Wolfilms



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Bromance, Dave is stalked by crows, Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, Gangs, God Tier, How Do I Tag, Jujus, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Multi, Ninja, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romance, Some Fluff, Superheroes, Tricksters, Trolls on Earth, Woven in canon, possibly smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-08-24 10:26:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8368789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfilms/pseuds/Wolfilms
Summary: In a world where humans and trolls live together, there are certain individuals who can unlock awesome powers. These individuals are called God tiers. When a huge threat hovers over the world, it's up to these individuals to save it.





	1. Chapter 1

Your name is John Egbert, and you're bored. You are what is commonly known as God tier, which basically means that you have a bunch of awesome powers. These powers had been with you since birth, but it took an unnatural death to unlock them. In your case, you were stabbed through the chest with a sword. The powers you have include, manipulation of, and the ability to turn into wind, flight, and conditional immortality. You can only die if your death is either just, or heroic. 

As stated, you are basically a god, yet you are bored. You can't believe you're the one stuck working in your father's café/joke shop. Well, your sister Jane has a job as a nurse, and your cousins Jade and Jake are both out of the country, so it makes sense that you would have to work here. It's been a really slow day, no customers at all. When you were younger there used to always be people here, but it seems like no one goes to joke shops anymore, or cafés for that matter. And thus, you're bored. However, you don’t know that today someone would come in through that door and change your life forever. In fact, that someone is outside the door right now. You can see him through the glass door. He has pale skin and white hair, he has a stoic expression, and his face I obscured by a pair of dark shades. He's wearing a pair of jeans, and a white shirt with red sleeves, with what looks like a music disk printed on the chest. There also seems to be a strange amount of crows outside, the black birds seem to be everywhere 

**Be the strange person outside the door**

You are now the strange man. You're name is Dave strider, and you're quite exited. You have learned to ignore the crows that follow you where ever you go. The reason you're going to this joke shop is to buy something to pull a totally ironic prank on your bro. You walk through the door and look up at the person behind the counter. Oh shit, you think. He's cute. His hair is black and messy, he has glasses and a hit of overbite. He's wearing a white shirt with a green ghost printed on the chest. You breathe and walk up to the counter.  
"Sup," you say.  
"Hey," says the cute guy behind the counter. "Can I help you?"  
"Yeah, I'm pulling a prank on my bro."  
"Well, then," the cute guy says, shit, you have to stop referring to him as cute."What kind of prank? There are countless."  
"Well," you count on your fingers. "It's got to deal with puppets," you shudder. "It has to be awesome, and totally ironic."  
The cute guy laughs. Fuck.  
"Well," he says. "You've come to the right place. Egbert's joke shop has what you need."  
He steps out from behind the counter.  
"Follow me."  
He leads you through the shop, you can't help but notice that he has a quite nice ass. What the fuck is wrong with you? The answer to that is: a fuck ton of things.  
"Here we are."  
You stop by a shelf filled with a whole bunch of pranking tools, like various disguises, silly hats and.. Holy shit. Fucking smuppets. You take half a step back.  
"You okay?" The guy asks.  
"Yeah," you answer. "I just didn't expect fucking smuppets."  
"Yeah, awesome, right? We just got them in."  
"Yeah," you say. "Awesome."  
You make a mental note to kill your bro. You turn to look around and get a fucking shock so strong you stumble backwards, right into the smuppets. When you had turned around you had seen someone you had never, ever, expected to see here. Lil' fucking Cal. Cool as he may be, Cal's creepy as shit. You haven't seen him since your oldest Bro left. The cute guy laughs and helps you out from under the mountain of puppet ass.  
"You okay?" He asks.  
"Yeah," you manage to say, though you're not fucking okay. You remember a time when you couldn't go anywhere without being ambushed by Cal, you had thought you'd never have to suffer through that again. Tough, at a closer inspection you see that it's not actually Cal, just a puppet that looks like him, which might be even more creepy.  
"Hey," the guy says. "You know, I normally don’t do this, but, what's your name?"  
You're a bit taken aback by the question, but you let none of it show through your stoic mask.  
"Dave Strider," you say, and offer a fist.  
"John Egbert," John bumps your fist.  
All right, now you know his name. Now you can come back some other time.  
"You know, John," you say. "I think I'll come back some other time to look for the ultimate ironic prank."  
"All right," John says.  
You turn to leave, but when you do you see Cal, right in front of you. You let out a yelp an bumble backwards. Right into John. You both end up on the floor, you on top of him. You see his face turn bright red, but not in a sexual way, more like a what-the-fuck-just-happened way. All right. You can't come back after embarrassing yourself like this. So you just get up and walk out the door, not even bothering to help John up. 

Outside the door you roll up the right sleeve of your shirt and look at your watch. It's shaped like a red gear. Damn it. You want John in your life. If not in a romantic way, at least as your friend. Fuck it, you're going to Rewind. 

**Dave: Rewind.**

You twist the gear on your watch to the right time, pull it up, and push it down. You see the world Rewind around you, moving backwards. When it stops everything is like it was before you entered the shop. You walk in. Everything is like it was before. You look at John, and immediately see that something isn't right. He's smiling at you, a knowing smile. He didn't have that smile before.  
"Dave," he says, how can he know your fucking name? "Normally, if you push someone over, you help them up."  
He doesn't seem angry, which is good, you guess.  
"How can you.?" You interrupt yourself when you understand. "You too?" You ask instead.  
John nods.  
"Time, I assume," He says.  
"Yupp, I assume you are the same?"  
"No," he says. What? "I'm actually Breath."  
"But you were unaffected by my Rewind," you say.  
"Oh," he says. "That isn't a God tier power. I got that from a juju. I kind of exist outside of Time and Space."  
"Sweet," you say.  
"'So," John says. "You still want to pull that prank?"  
"Nah," you say. "How about I get your Pesterchum handle instead?"  
John laughs again.  
"Sure," he says. "I'm ectoBiologist."  
"Sweet. I'm turntechGodhead."  
"I guess I'll pester you later?" John says.  
"Sure," you say. "See ya."  
You turn and walk out the door again. 

**Be the spy.**

You are now the spy. Your name is Jack Noir, known on the street as Spades Slick. You are the leader of the criminal gang known as The Midnight Crew. You are currently hiding. For two reasons. One: you are a carpacian, which means you have a hard exoskeleton, that can be either black, or white. Yours is black. Two: as stated earlier, you are a spy. And what kind of spy would stand in the open. 

Though you are the leader of one of the most notorious crime gang in the city, you are currently under employment of someone else, or rather, your gang is. You have absolutely no fucking idea who has hired you, and it makes you angry. Man, you want to stab something right now. Your current boss only communes with you through his second in command, Doc' Scratch. In fact, you are just about to contact Scratch. 

**Jack: contact Doc' Scratch.**

You contact Scratch by calling him on the phone, like a normal person. What? Did you expect some fancy video call? No. It's the phone. He picks up.  
"This is Noir," you say.  
"I am aware," he answers. For some reason his voice seems to be coming from everywhere at once.  
"I watched the guy's shop as you said," you say. "And you were right. We just spotted an other one."  
"Of course I was right." Damn, you want to stab this fucker. "Have someone follow the other, he can lead us to even more."  
"All right," you say. "I'll get Deuce on it."  
"Good," Scratch says. "That was all." And he hangs up. 

**Jack: get Deuce on it.**

You call your fellow Midnight Crew member, Clubs Deuce. Ideal for a mission like this.  
"Yes?" He says, with his childish voice, when he picks up.  
"This is Slick," you say. "I've got a job for you."  
"Whatever you say, boss." You like that he calls you boss.  
"I've found another." You tell him. "I want you to follow him, he might lead us to even more."  
"Off course, boss," he says. "I'll get right on it."  
"Good," you say. "That's all Deuce."  
You hang up. 

**Be the followed guy.**

You are now Dave Strider, on your way home. You left Egbert's joke shop just five minutes ago and are currently walking down the street. What exactly happened in that shop? One thing is clear: John is a God tier. And he seemed to have some other power as well, one that he had gotten from a juju. You've never really trusted juju-powers. 

You notice someone following you. They're quiet, but you're a Strider, you grew up with Striders, you can hear him clearly. And besides, even if you didn’t notice him, the crows would have. You turn into an alley. He follows. You grin to yourself, that guy made a mistake trying to stalk a Strider. The alley ends in a dead end. Your grin widens. You close your eyes and take a deep breath. As you breathe out you take a single step forward, and you're on the roof the building you were standing in front of. You look around until you locate the tallest apartment building you can find. You start running towards it, flash stepping over the gaps between the buildings. 

**Deuce: report.**

You are now Clubs Deuce, and you need to report this to your boss. The guy you were supposed to follow had disappeared. You take out your phone and call Slick.  
"Slick," he answers.  
"This is Deuce, boss," you call him boss because you know he likes it.  
"Why are you calling, you're supposed to be following the God tier," he sounds angry, not good.  
"Well, I was. But he's gone," He's not going to like that.  
"WHAT?" Yupp, he didn't like it.  
"I followed him into an alley, but then he stopped, took one step, and was gone"  
"Flash stepping," you hear Slick mutter. "Fucking ninja, always ruining my business. Was that all, Deuce?"  
"Yes," you answer.  
"Then get your ass back to HQ."  
"Right away, boss." 

**Be Spades Slick.**

You are now Spades Slick. You need to report what Deuce said to Scratch. 

**Spades Slick: Report to Scratch.**

You call Scratch. Again, normal phone, no fancy video call.  
"Yes, Slick?" He answers, and his voice seems to come from everywhere at once, sometimes you wonder if the phone is actually necessary.  
"Just got a report from Deuce," you say.  
"And?"  
"The Got tier got away. Flash step."  
"Aha."  
"The good thing is that we know where he's from, now. There is only one group of God tiered ninja," you tell him. "The Striders."  
"The Striders are registered," Scratch says. "We can not touch them. Keep watching over the Egbert boy, though. Despite his annoying ability, he is bound to make a mistake eventually."  
"Right," you say.


	2. Chapter 2

**Dirk: seek medical assistance.**

Your name is Dirk Strider, and you are in need of medical assistance. That's why you are at the hospital, or well, that is why your twin sister dragged you there.  
"I don't need to be here," you say.  
"Yes you do, Dirky," your sister Roxy answers. Or, well, half sister.  
"It's just a flesh wound," you assure her.  
"Dirk, you have a two inch cut in your side," she reminds you. "That's not a flesh wound."  
"Sure it is," you say, grinning at her, it hurts. "It's a wound, in my flesh. It's a flesh wound."  
She rolls her eyes, and rubs her eyes, apparently tired of your shit.  
"Dirk Strider?"  
You look up and see a chubby nurse with short, black, curly hair and light blue eyes behind her glasses. You would have thought she was cute, if you hadn't been gayer than an Englishman at a tea party. You get up and follow her, out of the waiting room, through a hallway, and into a room. She tells you to sit down on the bed, and you comply.  
"So," she chirps. "What's wrong with you, then?"  
"Most things," you answer. "But right now, I'm in a bit of pain."  
"Oh, where does it hurt."  
"Here," you put your hand on your side, and wince a bit.  
"All right," she says. "Would you mind taking off your shirt so I can have a look at you?"  
You take off your shirt, and see the look of shock on her face when she sees the bandage underneath.  
"Oh golly, what happened to you?" She says, to no one in particular, while she takes off the bandage.  
The look of shock returns when she sees the wound, and the many scars that cover your body.  
"Why aren't you at the emergency room?" She asks, not very calmly. "Or rather, why weren't you at the emergency room yesterday?"  
"Didn't think I needed it," you shrug. "Still don’t' think I need it."  
"Mr. Strider," she sounds very businesslike. "This is a serious injury. It needs to be taken care of."  
"Nurse.." You look at her name tag. "Crocker. Why don't you just clean it and patch it up?"  
"Out of the question," damn, she sounds like she's your mother. "Lay down on the bed."  
You don't move.  
"Lay down on the bed, gosh darn it," She grabs your shoulder, and pushes you down on your side, with your wound up. You feel her lay her hands on you, spreading your wound. You wince at the pain. You feel her trace the edges of the cut with her finger, like she is applying something. She then presses your wound together, you feel a tingling sensation that is hard to describe.  
"So," she chirps. "All done."  
You sit up and feel your side with your hand. You can barely feel the wound at all.  
"It's going to scar up, a bit," she says. "But I don’t think you mind that."  
You nod. You get up from the bed and put your shirt back on.  
"Thanks, nurse Crocker," you say before turning to walk out the door.  
"Just doing my job, Mr. Strider."  
You nod again, and walk out the door. 

**Be Roxy**

You are now Roxy Lalonde. You are standing outside the door of the apartment, where you live with your little sister, and your two half brothers. Dirk is standing beside you. The two of you have just returned from the hospital. Dirk told you what had happened, and you hadn't believed him, until he showed you his wound. Or, well, what was left of it. What had that nurse done?  
"Are you going to open the door, or what," Dirk says, beside you. 

**Roxy: open the door.**

You open the door and step inside, just as your brother, Dave, climbs through the window.  
"Yo," he says. "This isn't what it looks like."  
He closes the window against the crows that seem to follow him everywhere. Dirk sighs.  
"What did you do?"  
"So," he says. "I was out, at a store, and when I was walking home I noticed someone following me. So I walked into an alley, and flash stepped up to the roof. So, I ran home over the roof tops. And that's why I'm climbing through the window."  
Dirk nods.  
"Cool," he says. "What did you do about the gaps between the buildings?"  
"Flash step," Dave answers.  
"On the move? Sweet. High five."  
Dirk raises his hand, so does Dave. You see Dirk shift, and all of a sudden there is a snare around Dave's wrist. Dave stopped in the middle of the high five. You can see a bead of sweat on his forehead. Everything stands still. You can feel the suspense in the air.  
"Don’t leave me hanging, bro," Dirk is grinning.  
Dave slowly brings his hand towards Dirk's, who's grin is widening.  
"Oh, hurry up!" He says.  
Dave closes his eyes and jerks his hand forward. A trap door in the ceiling opens, and smuppets fall out and covers Dave under a mountain of plush rump. You do your best to keep a straight face, but you knew this was coming, and holy shit. Smuppets are hilarious, you can totally not understand why Dave dislikes them so much.  
"Fuck you, bro," you hear from behind, you turn and see Dave standing behind you.  
"Hey!" Dirk says, still grinning. "Freezing time in the middle of a prank? Not cool."  
"Neither are your puppets," Dave snaps back, grinning as well.  
Suddenly Dirk moves like he is going for a punch, but Dave's fist meets his in an epic fist bump.  
"Yo, Hal," Dave says, suddenly.  
"Yes, Dave?" The computer, that is actually Dirk at thirteen years old, answers.  
"Could you look up something in the register for me?" Dave asks lil' Hal.  
"What should I look up?"  
"Could you look up the name Egbert?"  
"Hold up," Dirk says. "Egbert? As in Egbert's joke shop?"  
"Yupp," Dave nods.  
"You think Mr. Egbert is a God tier?" You ask. You could never have guessed that.  
"No," Dave shakes his head. "But his son is. At least I think he's his son."  
"I'm sorry, Dave," Hal says. "But there is no one with the name Egbert in the register."  
Dirk shrugs.  
"Wellp," he says. "Apparently he's not." 

**Be Dave.**

You are now Dave Strider. And fuck, you're confused, but you don't let it show.  
"He is," you say. "I know he is."  
Your brother Dirk looks at you like he thinks you're full of shit.  
"How can you be so sure?" He asks.  
"Because he fucking told me," you say. "And besides, he was totally unaffected by me Rewinding."  
"All right," Dirk says. "You might be right. But if he's a God tier, and not in the register.."  
"We could help him," you say.  
"No." Roxy says. "Egbert's joke shop is on Scourge territory. And we don’t wanna get in an other beef with them."  
"Roxy's right," Dirk says. "After last time, we wont do anything to mess with them."  
"Dirk," Dave says, with a grin on his face. "We both know that you love fucking with the Scourge."  
"Yeah, that's true," Dirk say, also grinning. "But an unregistered God tier on their turf, that's an entirely different story. That'd get those troll girls on us like.."  
"Terezi on Dave," Roxy fills in, grinning widely, and high fives Dirk.  
"Fuck off, Roxy," you say.  
"Shitty metaphors aside," Dirk says. "Roxy's right. We do not want another beef with the Scourge."  
"Yeah, yeah," you say. "I get it. Turf war, bad."  
"Good," Dirk says. "And I hope you wont go off doing something stupid and unironic."  
"Bro," you say, somewhat insulted. "I never do anything unironic."  
"Good," Dirk says, again.  
"By the way," Roxy says. "Where's Rosey" 

**Be Rose.**

You are now Rose Lalonde. And you are currently too busy to think about your siblings. The reason why you're busy is that you are currently lying on a bed with a beautiful troll lady over you. Kanaya leans down and kisses your neck, sending shivers down your body. You are just about to take off her top when your phone buzzes, and the pesterchum icon flashes. 

**Rose: answer.**

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG]  began pestering tentacleTherapist  [TT]  at 16:34 -- 

TG: yo rose   
TT: What is it, Dave?   
TT: I am a bit busy at the moment.   
TG: im sorry for interrupting your makeout session with kanaya   
TG: but this is kind of important   
TT: What is it?   
TG: we kind of need your view on something here   
TT: What?   
TG: you know egberts joke shop   
TG: the guy who works there is a god tier   
TT: Mr. Egbert?   
TG: no his son   
TG: but the thing is hes not registered and hes on scourge turf   
TT: Okay. But what do you need my help with?   
TG: since he is unregistered and on scourge turf he is in danger   
TG: i think we should help him but dirk and roxy says we shouldnt   
TG: we wanted to know what you think   
TG: since you can See which action will have the best result   
TT: All right. I think we should wait and see if he'll get in trouble at all before we do anything, because we don't want an other beef with the Scourge.   
TG: dirk and roxy said the exact same thing   
TT: And why could that be? May be we're related.   
TG: I get the message   
TG: enjoy kanaya   
TT: Oh, I intend to.   
TG: wellp im out 

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG]  ceased pestering tentacleTherapist  [TT]  at 16:46 --   


You put away your phone, making sure to turn off notifications, and turn back to Kanaya.  
"Shall we return to what we were doing, before we were so rudely interrupted?" You ask.  
Kanaya just smiles and kisses you on the mouth. 

**Be Dave.**

You are now Dave Strider. You put your phone back in your pocket and turn back to your siblings.  
"Well?" Dirk asks "What did she say?"  
"Maybe you shouldn’t ask before I'd gotten the chance to speak?" You ask back.  
"All right," he throws his hands up, in defeat. Yes! Another win for Dave Strider! "But for real, what did she say?"  
"Again, same thing," you say. "Maybe if you'd let me speak, you'd know."  
"Just fucking say it, Dave," You can hear on Dirk's voice that he is not messing around anymore, so you promptly drop the sarcasm and give him a straight answer.  
"She thinks we should wait and see if he actually gets in trouble before we do anything," you say.  
"See, she agrees with us," Man, Dirk can be annoying sometimes, even when he's not covering you with tons of puppet ass.  
"No," you say. "She says that we should wait and see. Not that we should do nothing."  
Dirk shifts behind you and cuffs you on the head.  
"Don't be a smartass," he says.  
"Dude," you say. "I can't not be a smartass, and you know it." 

**Be Jack.**

You are now Jack Noir. And the Egbert boy just fucking teleported out of the shop. Fuck, you hate him and his stupid zapping powers, makes you want to stab something 

**Jack: stab something**

You proceed to stick a knife in a nearby pumpkin. Repeatedly. However, when you turn to admire your handiwork, the pumpkin's gone.  
"God damn disappearing pumpkins!" You exclaim, and proceed to stab a pillow until it looks like someone tried to slaughter a bloodless chicken in your surveillance vehicle. You should probably report to the Doc' that the Egbert boy is gone. 

**Jack: report to Scratch.**

You call Doc' Scratch.  
"Yes, Slick?" He answers.  
"The fucking kid just teleported away." You say.  
"He did." Man, you hate this fucker. Too bad you've run out of thing to stab.  
"Well," you're pretty annoyed now. "What do we do?"  
"There is nothing you can do." You hate how he emphasizes the word 'you'. "So you will just wait on further instructions."  
"But, we've gotta do something," you say. He's beginning to piss you off. "And by 'we' I don’t fucking mean you and me, I mean The Midnight Crew."  
"I know you do." He just pisses you off more and more. "But you will do nothing. He will make a mistake. And when he does, the Scourge will grab him. And then you grab him from them."  
"All right," you like the sound of messing with a rival gang. "When will he make the mistake?"  
"Eventually." The little happiness you got from the thought of messing with the Scourge is now gone. "That is all, Slick."  
He hangs up. Talking to Scratch makes you want to stab your own eyes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to update as often as I can, but it'll probably not be too frequently. I mean, I'm not god, so don't expect any miracles. I'll also try to make each chapter longer. But again: don't expect miracles. Also, this is my first time doing a pesterlog, so I'd love to know what you think.


	3. Chapter 3

**John: be bored.**

Your name is John Egbert. And you're bored. Again. Yesterday was boring too, but at least something happened. Today is just plain dull. At least you're not alone today, your sister Jane got a day off from the hospital and decided to keep you company.  
"You know," she says. "Yestserday, a guy with a huge cut in his side came to the hospital."  
"Seems like he did the right thing," you answer.  
"Yes, but apparently he had gotten the wound a day prior," she tells you. "Also he kept acting like it was nothing."  
"Oh," you say. "Well, I also met a kind of weird guy yesterday."  
"Oh? What was weird with him?" She asks.  
"Well," you begin. "First of all, he behaved kind of weird, was all freaked out by the smuppets and that puppet. Second, wore a pair of shades, so dark I wonder if he could see at all. Oh! And he's a God tier."  
"Oh, well," she says. "We aren't really the right people to call God tiers weird, now, are we?"  
"Maybe not. But this guy was weird. But not in a bad way, it was kinda funny."  
"Really? What's his name? Or didn't you ask?"  
"His name is Dave," you say. "Dave Strider."  
She get's a suspicious look on her face.  
"The guy from the hospital, yesterday," she says. "His name was Dirk Strider."  
"Oh, maybe they're brothers," you say.  
"Probably," Jane answered.  
"Oh," you say, as your phone buzzes and the pesterchum icon flashes. "Speak of the devil." 

**John: answer.**

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG]  began pestering ectoBiologist  [EB]  at 14:27 -- 

TG: sup john   
RB: hey, dave. what's up?   
TG: kinda bored   
TG: you know   
TG: nothing to do except fucking around on the internet   
TG: not that fucking around on the internet isnt fun as shit   
TG: but it gets boring after a while   
TG: so what are you doing   
EB: minding the store. pretty boring too, since there are no customers.   
EB: but, at least my sister is here with me.   
EB: do you have any siblings, dave?   
TG: woah dude   
TG: why the sudden interest in my familial relations   
TG: if i didn’t know better id think you were trying to get to know me better   
TG: but then again who wouldnt want to know me   
EB: well the thing is, my sister who I told you about, told me that she met a guy named Strider at work yesterday. I just wondered if he could have been your brother.   
TG: maybe   
TG: is your sister a nurse   
EB: yeah, she is.   
TG: cause my bro dirk was at the hospital yesterday   
TG: okay I just asked him and he said he thinks the nurses name was crocker   
TG: your name is egbert so it was probably not your sister   
EB: it was. her name is actually crocker. don't ask why.   
TG: fuck me if I do   
TG: i totally understand having siblings with different family names   
EB: so you have more siblings?   
TG: technically half siblings   
TG: but yeah i have two sisters   
TG: do you have any more siblings   
EB: no, but i have two cousins.   
EB: hold on, i think someone is coming.   
TG: is something up   
EB: no, i'm just in the store, and i think there are customers coming.   
TG: oh and here i thought i would have to magically track you down and come to your rescue like some gallant knight   
EB: well, i dont need a knight, but you could hang on till im done.   
TG: sure thing john   


\-- ectoBioligist  [EB]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  at 14:31 -- 

**John: take care of customer.**

You look up from your phone to see two trolls walk in to the store. One of them is tall, with big spiral horns and white face paint, and looks really spaced out, and the other is short, with small nubby horns, and looks pissed.  
"Why did we go in here, Gamzee?" The pissed troll isn't exactly screaming, but he speaks louder than he needs to.  
"It's a motherfucking joke store, bro," the tall troll, who's name is apparently Gamzee, sound just as spaced out as he looks.  
"I know it's a fucking joke shop, you shitsponge. Why did we go in to the joke shop?" The short troll sound really annoyed by his companion.  
"Listen, Karkat, bro," aha, so his name is Karkat. "When you see a joke store, you need to check up on what kinds of wicked miracles they have in store for ya."  
Karkat sighs, and they both walk over to you.  
"Hey," he does not lower his voice, it seems. "My nooksucking fuck of a friend wanted to know what you have."  
"Well," you say. "We have a lot of things. Is he looking fore something in particular?"  
"No, you bulgelicker, he just wants to waste my time whenever he sees fit," he doesn't save up on the insults either. You decide not to be bothered by it.  
You walk out from behind the counter to show them around the store, only to find Gamzee amazed by the same pupped that apparently scared Dave, yesterday.  
"This little wicked little dude is motherfucking miraculous," he says, as if speaking to himself. While staring, wide eyed, into the puppet's eyes. "Bro, we have to get this little dude."  
"Of all the shitty things for you to fall in love with, why did it have to be that fucking puppet?"  
"But bro, can't you see?" He holds the puppet close to Karkat's face. "He's a motherfucking miracle."  
Karkat takes a step back from the puppet and rubs his eyes. Now that you look closer he looks extremely tired.  
"Fine," he says, and turns back to you. "How much for the creepy puppet?"  
He begins to take out a wallet, but Gamzee stops him.  
"Bro, it's all good," he says. "I've motherfucking got this."  
"What?" Karkat asks his friend. "You don’t have any money on you."  
"It's cool," Gamzee says, and turns to you, coming very close."You can put it wicked on my wicked tab."  
"All right," you say, taking out a note book to wright it down. "I'll need your full name for the tab."  
"Gamzee Makara," he says, and you wright it down, along with the price for the puppet.  
"Is that all?" You ask.  
"Yes," Karkat says and basically drags Gamzee out of the store.  
You walk back behind the counter.  
"Well gosh," Jane says. "They were an odd couple."  
You laugh.  
"Yeah, they were. But they seemed nice."  
"John," she says. "You think everyone seems nice."  
You're about to answer when your phone buzzes and the pesterchum icon flashes. 

**John: answer, again.**

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG]  began pestering ectoBiologist  [EB]  at 14:42 -- 

TG: you done with the customers yet??   
EB: yes, you have great timing. they just left actually.   
TG: that timing was perfect and you know it   
EB: yeah you're right. it was kind of perfect.   
TG: well time is kind of my thing   
TG: so   
TG: if anyone is going to have perfect timing   
TG: its gonna be fucking me   
EB: make sense I guess.   
TG: fuck yeah   
TG: by the way   
TG: who were those customers??   
EB: they were two trolls. one was small and crabby, with small nubby horns. And the other was tall and kind of spaced out, with big spirally horns.   
TG: uh huh   
TG: did you get their names?   
EB: yeah. the nubby horned guy was named karkat. i didn't get his full name. and the tall one was called gamzee makara.   
TG: hold those fourleged sprinters   
TG: did you just say makara??   
TG: yeah you did   
TG: makara as in the leader of the subjugglators??   
EB: the what?   
TG: the subjugglators   
TG: its a like a troll law enforcement order   
TG: concisting only of purplebloods   
TG: that makara dude is the grand highblood   
TG: he is like their fucking pope   
EB: but aren't the purple bloods all violent killers? at least that's what i heard.   
TG: thats pretty much the case   
EB: but the one i met didn't seem violent at all.   
TG: well im a fucking idiot   
EB: why are you an idiot?   
TG: of course it wasnt the grand highblood you met   
TG: that gamzee dude must be his decendant   
TG: man now i feel like even more of an idiot   
EB: why?   
TG: because i didn’t recognize karkats name   
EB: why should you recognize his name?   
TG: because i know that crabby little dude   
TG: or at least knew   
TG: cause i had no idea he had started going with the juggalos   
EB: how did you know him?   
TG: we used to fight over the same girl   
EB: oh.   
TG: unrelated topic   
TG: my sister thinks that we should meet up   
TG: my family and yours   
TG: also that we shouldnt talk more untill we do   
TG: and its usually wise to follow roses hunches   
EB: oh, well ill tell my sister.   
TG: great   
TG: how about i bring my family to your shop now??   
EB: sounds good.   
TG: see you soon then   
EB: see you. 

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist  at 14:57 -- 

**John: inform your sister about the plans.**

You put down your phone.  
"Dave is bringing his family here," you say.  
"Oh," Jane sounds surpriced, as would be expected. "All right."  
You then see your sister get a malicous look on her face. A look you like.  
"Then we better give them a good welcome," she says.  
"Yes," you say. "Let's make sure to do that."  
You then both laugh mock evil laughs, that then turns into real laughter. 

**Dave: bring your family to meet your friend.**

You are now Dave Strider. You have informed your family of what's up. Of course they already knew that you were going to meet up with John's family, but you informed them of the when and where. The answers to those questions were, as you told your family, Egbert's joke shop, right now. You and your bro and sisters are currently riding the elevator down your apartment building. Despite the four of you being totally awesome, it's awkward. Mainly due to the awkward elevator music.  
"Tell me again why we can't go through the Void?" Your bro asks.  
"Because we shouldn't." Rose answers.  
Dirk nods. He knows better than to question Rose. 

Since you live on the top floor, the elevator ride takes about five 7 minutes. You all get out of the elevator, and out on the street. Where you are immediately swarmed by crows.  
"God fucking damn it," your bro says. "How do you stand these fucking birds, Dave?"  
"When you live your life followed by crows, who knows?" You answer.  
"Wiser words have never been spoken," Rose says, and Roxy laughs.  
You shrug, you're going to ignore Rose's sarcasm.  
"You know me," you say. "Always spewing wisdom everywhere I go."  
"You're like a wisdom dispenser," Rose says.  
"You know it, sister," You will not let Rose's sarcasm bother you, and to be honest, it really doesn't.  
"Will you to knock it the fuck off?" Dirk, on the other hand, seems to be tired of both your, and Rose's shit.  
"Whatever you ask, Dirk," Rose says. "I most certainly wouldn’t want my half brother to be annoyed."  
She smirks at him. He shifts behind her, ready to cuff her on the head.  
"That will not lead to a favorable outcome," She says, still smirking.  
"You know," Dirk says. "Sometimes I really don’t like you."  
"Oh, I'm fully aware of that," man, Rose has a good smirk. "Please tell me how I can alter my behavior to better suit you, Strider."  
"Very well, Lalonde," Dirk says, shit, he sounds annoyed. "First, drop the sarcasm. Second, there isn't even a second because the first is so demanding that it takes up two spaces."  
"Dirky," Roxy says. "You can't ask Rosey to drop her sarcasm. That's a big part of who she is. What if we told you to stop looking at pictures of my little ponies at night?"  
"You, what?" He doesn't let it show, but you know. You know this fight is soon to be over. "What the fuck are you talking about?"  
"Oh, Dirk," Rose says. "You don't have to hide it. We will love you no matter if you like horses or not."  
You sense it's your turn to cut in.  
"Yeah, bro," You say. "We'll still respect you. We're here for you man. You've got to get out of that metaphorical closet."  
"Argh!" Dirk throws his head back, with his hands covering his face.  
Hell yes! Hell fucking yes! Through your joint effort you and your sisters have managed to bring Dirk down. Dirk regains his composure.  
"Let's just all shut the fuck up and go meet this Egbert kid," He says.  
You all nod. Despite loving to, figuratively, shove each other in the dirt, you know when to stop. You think about mentioning John's sister, but decide not to. You can sense it would be best, and more fun, if Dirk found out on his own. 

**John: eagerly await your unsuspecting victims.**

You are now John Egbert. You and your sister have just finished setting up the greatest prank in existence, and are now awaiting your victims, Dave, and his siblings. You see them coming outside the window. You recognize Dave immediately, he's wearing the same shades he wore yesterday. He's with three others. The guy to his left must be his brother, Dirk. He's wearing a black tank top with an orange cap printed on the chest. Just like Dave, he's wearing shades, but his are big and spikey. The two girls must be his sisters. One of them is wearing all black, a shirt and skirt. She has a purple octopus-thing printed on the chest of her shirt. The other girl is dressed similarly to her sister, only white. She has a pink cat head printed on her shirt. You try to look as natural as you can.  
"John," Your sister, Jane, says. "You look too suspicious. You'll give us away."  
You nod and take a deep breath. You lean and rest your elbows on the counter. You see Dave see you, and nod in greeting. He nods back. You shoot a quick glance at the tripwire just inside the door. The wire is so thin it's barely visible. The suspense is almost killing you as they approach the door. You can barely keep yourself from grinning widely when Dave reaches out and opens the door. 

**Be Dave.**

You are now Dave Strider. You are just about to open the door to Egbert's joke shop. You can se John behind the counter, he has a look that you can't quite pin down. You open the door, and you and Dirk step inside together. When you feel the tripwire, it's already too late. You look up and see a hatch open in the ceiling. Dejá vu. You see the smuppets coming towards you. 

**Be John.**

You are now John Egbert. Yes! Heck yes! They fell for it! A feeling of ecstasy fills you. The same feeling you get every time you pull off a good prank. However, that feeling quickly dissipates, when Dirk is suddenly no longer standing in the way of the smuppets. You notice him behind you, about to hit you in the head. You zap out of the way, just as Dave freezes time. You look at him.  
"What?" He asks. "I have to deal with smuppet traps at home, all the time."  
"You still got in the way of a good prank," you say. "I see that as a challenge."  
"What?"  
"Dave Strider," you say, pointing at him. "I, John Egbert vow to prank you harder than you have ever been pranked before."  
He shrugs.  
"Whatever," he says. "But the prank is not ruined, look."  
He points to his sisters.  
"They are, right now, standing right in the way of a ton of puppet ass."  
You smile and nod. Dave moves out of the puppet's way, and stands beside you.  
"Unfreeze," you say.  
Dave nods, and time starts moving again.  
"Augh!"  
The two girls fall to the floor, when the puppets hit them, and get buried under the smuppets. You see Dirk swing his arm through empty air.  
"The fuck?" He says.  
"Over here," you say, and he looks at you.  
"How'd you do that?" He asks, pointing at you.  
"Didn't Dave inform you about my powers?" You ask.  
"No, he didn't," Oh, you'd thought he would have.  
"Well," you say. "To start, my aspect is Breath, I have the ability to control wind."  
You make a light breeze take form in the shop.  
"All right," one of Dave's sisters say, the one in black. "So, your Aspect is Breath, but what is your class?"  
"Class?" You hadn't known about Classes, only aspects.  
"Never mind," she says. "What more can you do?"  
"I can turn into wind," you demonstrate said power, blowing around in the shop for a bit, before re appearing.  
"Okay," Dave's sister says. "So your Class is Heir. You’re the Heir of Breath."  
"Sweet," you say.  
"Shit, Rosey," The other sister says. "You've got to introduce yourself before you go asking questions."  
"You're right," Rosey says. "My name is Rose Lalonde."  
She reaches out and you shake hands.  
"John Egbert," you say.  
"And I'm Roxy," the one dressed in white says. "Also Lalonde."  
You shake her hand as well.  
"Dirk Strider," he offers a fist, that you bump.  
"I'm Jane Crocker," oh shit, you had almost forgotten that she was there.  
"Sup," Dave says.  
"Hello," Rose says, and shakes her hand.  
"Hey," Roxy says, also shaking her hand.  
"Yo, nurse Crocker," Dirk says.  
"Oh, shucks," Jane says, making a dismissive gesture. "Just call me Jane."  
"So, Janey," Roxy says. "What's your aspect?"  
"Life," Jane says. "I can heal people, like I did with you, Dirk."  
"Wait, hold up," He says. "You healed me using God powers?"  
"Yes," Jane answers. "Is that a problelm."  
"No not really," Dirk says, shrugging. "At least not for me. I you get caught doing that, though.."  
"What could happen?" You ask.  
Dirk opens his mouth but Rose shakes her head, and he closes it again.  
"Never mind," he says.  
"Anyway," Rose says. "I'm a Seer of Light. I can See which decision will lead to the most favorable outcome, which can be quite useful."  
"And I'm a Rouge of Void," Roxy says. "I can steal the nothingness from objects, which is also useful."  
"How is stealing nothing useful?" You ask. "No offence."  
"None taken," she says. "Well, I don't steal nothing. I steal nothingness, and that makes the object something."  
"What she means," Rose clarifies. "Is that she can make objects appear out of thin air."  
"Oh," you say. "That is useful."  
Roxy smiles, a pretty smile. Wait what?  
"I'm a Prince of Heart," Dirk says, before you can think further. "Which is a less awesome way of saying destroyer of souls. I can rip out peoples souls and tear them into a thousand pieces."  
"That’s.. Useful," Jane says. "I guess."  
"It is." Dirk says.  
"Right," Dave says. "I'm a Knight of Time. I can do all sorts of cool Timey shenanigans. But I mostly only use my ability to freeze time. Otherwise I risk creating Doomed Timelines, and we don’t want that." 

**Be Jack.**

You are now Jack Noir. And Holy fuck, you need to report this. Six God tiers in one place! 

**Jack: report.**

You call Scratch.  
"Yes, Slick," he answers.  
"You wont fucking believe this," you say.  
"I will," he answers, fuck you despise this guy. You would never work for him, if he didn’t pay so well.  
"The Striders have met up with the Egbert boy and his sister, in the joke shop," you tell him. "This is a great time to take them all out. I'll just get Deuce up here with an explosion, and BOOM! All gone."  
"You forget that they are God tier," Scratch says. "That might kill them, but they would revive. Simply blowing them up wouldn't count as either just, nor heroic."  
Fuck. You forgot about that.  
"So, should we keep waiting?" You ask.  
"Yes," he answers.  
"Fine," you say.  
"That is all," Scratch says, and hangs up.  
Fuck that guy for making such a good offer that you couldn’t say no. You hate him, and you hate working for him. But you need the money.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, another chapter. A lot longer, this time. That's part of the reason why it took longer to write. Another part is that I havn't had much time. I'll keep posting chapters as I write them.


	4. Chapter 4

**John: wake up abruptly.**

You are now John Egbert. You wake up when you hear your phone go off. You look at it and see the Pesterchum icon flash. When you open the app, despite how tired you are, a smile brakes out on your face; your cousin, Jade, is pestering you.

**John: answer.**

\-- gardenGnostic  [GG]  began pestering ectoBiologist  [EB]  at 04:03 -- 

GG: hey john!!   
EB: morning jade.   
GG: shit did i wake you??   
EB: jade it's four in the morning.   
GG: OH NO!! i woke you up im so sorry!!!    
GG: ill let you sleep now :(   
EB: no jade, don’t go. i don’t mind being woken up.   
GG: sweet!!   
GG: anyway what i wanted to talk about   
EB: yeah, why did you pester me at four in the morning? are you still with jake?   
GG: yes i am, thats what I wanted to talk about   
GG: we found it!! we freaking found it!!!   
EB: you found it? you actually found it?   
EB: wait, isn't it dangerous? who has it?   
GG: relax john, i have it   
GG: in my possession its harmless   
EB: so you're not affected at all by it?   
GG: of course not, silly, why else would i have it???   
EB: i suppose that makes sense. any way, was the expedition nice?   
GG: it was great!! i love crawling around in ancient ruins looking for even ancienter artifacts with jake   
EB: it's good that you had fun at least. it's been real boring here. well, the last two days have been some what interesting.   
GG: oh well thats good at least   
GG: so whats happened??   
EB: two days ago a nice guy came to the store, his name is Dave Strider, he's a god tier. his entire family is, or at least the ones I've met. and yesterday two trolls came in. one was really spaced out and the other seemed really angry, but nice.   
GG: you met other God tiers???   
EB: yeah four of them. they all seem really nice.   
GG: well have to talk more when we get back, jake says we have to get going now   
EB: okay.   
GG: see you in real life!! 

\-- gardenGnostic  [GG]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist  [EB]  at 04:13 -- 

**Jade: get going.**

Your name is Jade Harley. And you are have just put your phone away to help your brother, Jake, pack up your supplies. You are super exited. This wasn't your first expedition with Jake, but it's the first one where you actually found what you're looking for. Jake has, of course, found a lot of items on his expedition, but this is the first successful one when you're along. He's assured you that you're not the cause of the failures, but that does not make this success less exciting.  
"Giddy up, Jade," Jake says, and brakes you from your thoughts. "Be a sweetie and clean these."  
"Sure!" You say. Nothing can take away your excitement, not even cleaning excavation tools.  
You sit down and start cleaning mud and dirt off the little shovels and picks, and put them in their respective package. It doesn't take long, you've done this countless times before. And it also helps that you don’t have to get up to get the next one, you can just teleport it into your hand, thanks to a juju that Jake found. It was Jake who found John's juju as well. They gave you and John similar powers, except John can also travel through time, and yours made you part dog.  
"Already done?" Jake says. "That's a good lass. Now pack 'em up and come help me."  
He really doesn’t need to tell you what to do. As you said, you've done this before. You put the tools in one of Jake's bags.  
"I don’t understand why we have to fly home," you say. "Why can't I just teleport us back?"  
"Because I could use a little snoozle," He answers. "And besides, there's no big rush."  
"Yeah, I guess you're right." You say. "It's been pretty tiring."  
"It always is, Jade dear." He lifts up a box and tosses it on the back of the truck you rented. "Tally ho! Golly, that was heavy."  
You giggle. Jake's usage of old-school language never stops to amuse you. He got it from your Grandpa, and kept at it after he left. You and Jake have lived on an island for most of your lives. It was only after you ascension that you were able to leave. You blink when Jake snaps his fingers in front of your face.  
"Come on," he says. "We're all packed. Get in the truck."  
You teleport into the passenger's seat. Jake sits in the driver's seat and starts driving.

**John: inform your sister of your cousin's status.**

You are now John Egbert, and you should probably tell Jane that Jake and Jade are coming home. You get out of your bed, and realize that it's four AM. Instead of waking your sister early you go into the kitchen and make a sandwich. You eat it while you wait for Jane to wake up.

**Be Karkat.**

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you are currently pissed. More than usual, that is. You're pissed at your stupid bulgelicker of a moirail for spending more time with a fucking puppet than with you. You should never have let him buy that stupid thing. But then again, there's not much you can do. He's the descendant of The Grand Highblood, and the only reason you're even alive at this point is that you're moirails.

You look over at Gamzee, where he sits with that gogdamn fucking puppet, looking in to it's eyes like he's fucking possessed.  
"Gamzee," you say. "That fucking puppet still gives me the creeps."  
"But bro," he answers, looking away from the puppet. "He's a motherfucking miracle."  
"At least don’t keep it in the respite block," it's enough having that puppet around, but seeing it every time you wake up, is too much.  
"All right, bro," Gamzee says. You're glad that he seems to listen to you.

Suddenly there's a loud knock on the door.  
"Motherfucking what, motherfucker?" Gamzee always snaps like that when he's talking to an other subjugglator. He has to, he is the descendant of the Grand Highblood, after all. "What are you doing in my motherfucking hive?"  
"I'm motherfucking sorry," yepp, definitely a fucking subjugglator. "The motherfucking Grand Higblood wants you to lead a raid on some motherfucking heretics."  
"Heh heh," Gamzee kind of scares you when he goes like this. "I'm all for smashing in some motherfucking heretics." He turns to you. "Bro, I gotta go, you wanna come?"  
You shake your head.  
"No," You say. "Just bring the fucking puppet."  
Gamzee smiles at you. He picks up the puppet and puts it over his back. Then he leaves. You sigh. You know he's going to come back covered in a rainbow of blood, and other things.

**Gamzee: cull the heretics.**

You are now Gamzee Makara, and you're on your way to cull some motherfucking heretics. You're leading a small group of other subjugglators, about four of them. They all seem very exited to go culling. You normally don't like to cull, at least not since you started your relationship with Karbro, but sometimes you need to let out your Rage. Yes, you do. You try to tell yourself that you don’t need it, but you both know that you do. Oh, by the Mirthful Messiahs, you need it. You sense that the others with you need it as well, it's been a while since the legislacerators have allowed a raid. You don’t know what half of those words mean, but Karkat told you how it works.

You, and your small team, arrive at the location. It's a small hive on the outskirts of the city. You walk up to it and try the door, it's locked, so you rip it off it's hinges. The heretics were unaware that they were sentenced to subjugglation, so they hadn't even thought to hide. When you ripped the door off, they came to see what was going on.  
"Honk," you say, they don’t move. "HONK!" At your second honk, they start running.  
You walk in to the hive.  
"Watch the door," you say to your team, when they don’t move, you make it more clear. "Watch the mother fucking door, motherfuckers!" That made them move.  
You walk further in to the hive. The residents are trying to hide from you, but their scurrying is making a lot of noise. As you walk you honk to your self. Quiet, loud, quiet, loud. You can feel their fear  
"You motherfuckers can try, but you cant hide," you say. "You motherfuckers can't motherfucking hide!"  
You keep walking through the hive. Suddenly, you hear a noise coming from what looks like a respite block. You grin. You bring out your clubs, the same juggling clubs you've had since you were a wiggler. You swing them at the door, breaking it down. Inside the block you see the residents of the hive. When they see you they crawl into a corner. You grin.  
"There you are," you say. "There you motherfuckers motherfucking are!"  
They whimper in fear.  
"Why are you doing this?" One of them asks.  
"Shut up," you say. "Blaspheming brothers ought to keep their shutes shut. Else I get all up and shutting them for ya."  
You walk closer, clubs in your hands. You look over the sorry bunch in front of you. Four trolls in all. Two adults, and two wigglers. The wigglers look around four, or five sweeps old. You kneel in front of one of the wigglers. The little fucker closes his eyes, and turns away from you.  
"Look at me," you say, calmly. He doesn't look. "Motherfucking look at me, motherfucker!"  
Now he turns to look at you, you see the fear in his eyes. You smile at him.  
"Honk," you say, barely audible. "HONK!" You shout the second honk, and the wiggler begins to cry, olive tears.  
"Please," one of the adults plead. "Please don’t do this."  
You look at them.  
"You should have all up and thought about that before you got up and spewing heretic hoofbeastshit," you say. "Should have all up and motherfucking thought about it before you motherfucking opened your heretic shutes!"  
Now the adults are crying as well. Disgusting olive tears. You turn back to the wiggler.  
"Your motherfucking caretakers should have all up and thought about you before spewing motherfucking blasphemy," you tell him.  
"Please," one of the adults says, again. You turn to him.  
They all look at you. You lean in, and pick up the wiggler you had talked to. The adults cried out.  
"Stop," the cried. "Please, don’t do this!"  
"Shut up," you say. They don’t. "Shut the motherfuck up, motherfuckers!"  
You look at the wiggler in your hand. He's so small that you can hold him steadily.  
"I'm motherfucking sorry, lil bro," you say. "I don’t all up and want to do this."  
You see a small slimmer of hope return.  
"Oh, wait," you say, laughing. "I motherfucking do. You're all motherfucking blasphemers! And blasphemers get motherfucking subjugglated!"

**Gamzee: subjugglate.**

"HONK!" You shout as you crush the wiggler in your hand, blood and guts splatting all over you, and the trolls in front of you. The adults scream, and the second wiggler begins to cry loudly.  
"HONK!" You swing your club at the second wiggler, crushing his scull, and spreading his brains all over the walls. The adults cry out again. They look at you, with tear filled eyes.  
"Now it's your motherfucking turn," you say.  
You put away your bloody clubs.  
"HONK!" You punch one of them in the head, breaking their skull, and the wall behind them.  
You turn to the only one left. You grab his head, and slam it into the wall, breaking both the wall, and head.  
"Honk," you say, letting go of the life less body.  
You pick up the first wiggler you killed, and fling his body across the room, staining the opposite wall with olive blood. You walk over to the body, or what's left of it. You pick it up, and rip the head off.

With the head in your hand, you walk out of the respite block, and back to the door.  
"Job motherfucking done," you say to the other subjugglators at the door. "Let's motherfucking report."

**John: talk to your sister.**

You are now John Egbert, and you've been waiting for your sister, Jane, to wake up, for three hours. It's now around seven AM. You have been snoozing at the table, in the kitchen.  
"John?" You jump when you hear your sisters voice.  
"Oh, Jane," you say. "Good, you're up."  
"Were you waiting?" She asks you.  
"Yeah," you answer. "Jade pestered me."  
"Gosh, how long have you been up?"  
"Since around four," you say, and yawn.  
"Darn it, John," she says, and puts her hands on her hips. "You should have gone back to sleep."  
"Couldn't," you say. "I had to tell you."  
"Tell me what?"  
"Jake and Jade are on their way back," you tell her. "They found it."  
"They.. Found it?" She looks like she cant believe her ears. "Oh, gosh! That's great!"  
"I know," you say, smiling.  
"But it's also dangerous," Jane said, getting serious. "You know that, right?"  
"Not with Jade," you answer. "At least that's what she told me."  
"That makes sense," Jane said.  
Jane turns on the news, on the radio.  
"So, they're coming back," She says, to herself. "Then we should prepare, and make the house look nice."  
She looks at you.  
"That means you too, John," she says.  
"Yeah, yeah," you say. "Now, be quiet, I want to hear this."  
Jane fell quiet and listened with you.  
"We just got a pretty disturbing report," the news anchor says. "Police have been called to a troll neighborhood on the outskirts of town. There had been reports of screaming from one of the hives, so the police were sent to investigate. According to the police, it looks like there has been a subjugglation."  
You and jane look at each other. You turn off the radio.  
"A subjugglation?" Jane says. "And that neighborhood isn't very far away from here, either."  
"That's the first subjugglation in a very long time," you say.  
"Gosh yes," Jane says. "I think it's been at least three years since the last one was reported."  
Just as she says that, your phone buzzes, and the pesterchum icon flashes.

**John: answer.**

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG]  began pestering ectoBiologist  [EB]  at 07:14 -- 

TG: sup john   
TG: you hear the news???   
EB: you mean the subjugglation? yeah i heard it.   
TG: there are barely any good news any more   
TG: and then they go and pull this fucking shit   
EB: yeah. i feel bad for the family.   
TG: trolls dont have familys the way we do   
TG: and there are no survivors from a subjugglation   
EB: that's horrible!   
TG: yeah   
TG: anyway   
TG: i pestered you cause rose told me to tell you   
TG: dont use your powers to go back and prevent it   
EB: why shouldn't i do that? It's a chance to do something good with my powers.   
TG: fuck if i know   
TG: rose said it wouldnt have a   
TG: "favorable outcome"   
TG: and you should just listen to what rose says   
TG: she usually knows best   
TG: besides   
TG: i dont want you to do it   
EB: why not, dave?   
TG: this subjugglation was clearly meant to happen   
TG: and i know better than to mess with the alpha timeline   
TG: stopping this event would create a doomed fucking timeline   
EB: no it wouldn’t. not if i did it. when i change something i change the alpha timeline.   
TG: all right   
TG: thats pretty fucking freaky   
TG: still   
TG: rose said that you shouldnt do anything   
EB: okay, i wont do anything.   
EB: i promise   
TG: sweet   
TG: that’s all i wanted to say   
TG: see ya 

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist  [EB]  at 07:23 -- 

You put your phone away.  
"That was Dave," you tell Jane. "He said I shouldn't do anything to prevent the subjugglation."  
"Why wouldn’t you want to prevent it?" Jane asks. "It's a chance to use your powers for something good."  
"I said the same," you say. "Apparently his sister said it would be bad."  
"I suppose she would know, with her ability," Jane looks thoughtful.  
"I just don’t think me preventing the subjugglation could have a worse outcome than the subjugglation itself."  
"Who knows," Jane says. "Anything could happen when you mess with time."  
"I know," you say, rubbing your face. "I just feel like shit, knowing I could do something."  
Suddenly your phone buzzes, again. Once again, it's pesterhum.

**John: answer, once again.**

\-- tentacleTherapist  [TT]  began pestering ectoBiologist  [EB]  at 07:28 -- 

TT: Hello, John.   
EB: eh, hello. who is this?   
TT: Oh, I forgot, you don’t know me on here. It's Rose, Dave's sister.   
EB: oh, hello.   
TT: I'll go straight to the point, and repeat what Dave already told you. Don’t try to prevent the subjugglation.   
EB: but why?   
TT: The subjugglator in question, I think you know him, Gamzee Makara, has, like most subjugglators, severe anger issues. The subjugglations are a way for him to blow of steam. If you prevent this subjugglation, he will build up even more rage, that he will have to blow off somewhere else. And that could have catastrophic outcomes.   
EB: people died. how much worse could it get?   
TT: If Gamzee's rage builds up too much, he could have an outburst. And that could result in him killing everyone around him. And that will probably be a lot more than the people killed in the subjugglation.   
EB: oh, i see. well in that case. i won't do anything.   
TT: Good. 

\-- tentacleTherapist  [TT]  began pestering ectoBiologist  [EB]  at 07:36 -- 

You put your phone down, again.  
"That was Dave's sister, Rose." You say. "She basically told me the same thing as Dave."  
"And are you going to listen?" Jane asks.  
"Yeah," you tell her. "I wasn't at first, but then Rose told me why I shouldn’t do anything."  
"And why is that?" Wow, Jane really seems to want to stop this subjugglation.  
"Because if I do the subjugglator can have an outburst and kill a lot more, or something like that."  
"Oh gosh!" Jane says. "In that case, you shouldn’t do anything."  
"I won't," you assure her. You'd really like to, but if what Rose said is true..

**Be Jack.**

You are now Jack Noir. Fuck, this subjugglation is good news. Now everybody will be focused on that, and that gives you more room to opperate. You should report to Scratch. You call him.  
"Yes, Slick," he answers, his voice coming from fucking everywhere.  
"You know what happened right?" He always knows everything, so why wouldn’t he know this?  
"I know a lot of things," he says. "And yes, I know about the subjugglation."  
"Well it's good news, ain't it?" You're a hundred percent sure it's good news.  
"Yes, Slick." He says, why does he always sound so fucking condescending? "It is very good news, indeed."  
"This mean I get more room," you say. "I think I could pull something, without anyone noticing."  
"You could," holy fuck, is he gonna let you do something? "But you should not." Fuck.  
"Fucking fine," you say. "I'll keep playing your game. For now."  
"Do not flatter yourself," the fuck does he mean by that? "You are a piece, not a player. That is all."  
He hangs up. The fuck did he mean not a player? You'll show him that Spades Slick, and the Midnight Crew, are not to be underestimated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took some time, and didn't turn out very long. I'll try to make them longer. I post these as I wright them, so they come out pretty random.


	5. Chapter 5

**Jade: be on your way.**

You are now Jade Harley. You and your brother, Jake, are currently at the airport, ready to board. You decide to pester John, and tell him your status. 

**Jade: pester John.**

\-- gardenGnostic  [GG]  began pestering ectoBiologist  [EB]  at 16:57 -- 

GG: hey john!!   
EB: hey jade. what's up?   
GG: me and jake are going to bord the plane soon. any interesting things happen that we should know???   
EB: yeah there did happen some things this morning. and i'd say it was interesting.   
GG: tell me!!!!   
EB: all right. there was a subjugglation this morning. not to far from here.   
GG: WHAT?!! are you playing one of your pranks on me???   
EB: no i'm not. not even I would joke about something like that. and i joke about most things.   
GG: THATS HORRIBLE!!! YOU SHOULD STOP IT!!!   
EB: no i can't. it wouldn’t be good for me to stop it.   
GG: WHY NOT???? PEOPLE DIED!!!   
EB: if i stop it even more people could die. and calm down jade these things happen.   
GG: oh really??? more people would die if you stopped it????   
EB: yeah, something about not blowing off steam and having a violent outburst.   
GG: i still think you should do something   
EB: and i would like to but i have been told not to do anything.   
GG: by who????   
EB: dave's sister. she can see what actions will have the best result.   
GG: oh well she would know wouldnt she??   
EB: yeah i think she would.   
GG: enough with the sad stuff now!!!   
EB: nothing else happened though.   
GG: humph!! i will have to change that then!!! gotta go were bording now!!   
EB: i'll see you when you come home then.   
GG: see you!!! 

\-- gardenGnostic  [GG]  ceased pestering ectoBioligist  [EB]  at 17:00 -- 

You put down your phone down, and pick up your bags.  
"Ready to go, Jade?" Jake asks, where he stands.  
"Yepp!" you say, and you both walk to the plane.  
You should tell Jake what John told you. 

**Jade: tell Jake.**

"Hey, Jake," you say.  
"Yeah, what's up, lass?"  
"John told me something," you tell him.  
"Oh? What did the little chap say?" He asks.  
"There's been a subjugglation," you decide not to sugar-coat it.  
"Gadzooks!" Jake says, and you can't help but giggle. "Jade! That is nothing to laugh about!"  
You take a deep breath, and regain your composure.  
"Sorry," you say.  
"No matter," Jake pats your shoulder. "Where did this horrendous thing take place?"  
"John said not far," you tell him. "I'd guess a troll suburb."  
"Yes, that is most likely," Jake strokes his chin. "Ah, here we are."  
You have found your seats. You put your hand-luggage in the overhead compartments, and sit down.  
"Well," Jake says. "I'm going to catch a snoozle."  
He leans back and closes his eyes. 

**John: help your sister prepare for your cousins return.**

You are now john Egbert, and you're helping your sister, Jane, to prepare for your cousins return. You are currently cleaning out your older cousin, Jake's, room. There really isn't much to clean, since no one ever uses this room besides Jake, so all you're doing is really just wiping up some dust. Also some bread crumbs. You ate a sandwich here once. It doesn’t really take any time at all, and you're done in a couple of minutes. You're done, really. And wow, would you look at that. You're bored. You walk around Jake's room, aimlessly, while humming a tune without melody. You clap your hands, for no other reason than making sound.  
"Wellp," you say. Who are you even talking to? "What to do, what to do..."  
No one. You're talking to no one. 

Argh! You're so god damn bored! You have to do something. 

You decide to go out. But since your sister is cleaning on the first floor, you cant use the front or kitchen door. 

**John: teleport out.**

_ZAP!_

You are suddenly outside. Of course, it's not sudden to you, you knew it was coming. But to anyone watching you, pretty damn sudden. Now that you're outside you decide to just walk around town a bit. You have your phone with you, in case Jane needs you. And, to be honest, who the hell goes out without a phone? 

So, there you are, walking. Still nothing to do. Then again, walking around outside is a lot more fun than walking around Jake's room. Even though Jake has some pretty sweet stuff in his room, especially skulls. Jake loves skulls.  
"Egbert?" You are pulled from your thoughts by a familiar voice.  
You turn around.  
"Oh hey Dave," you say to, well, Dave. "What are you doing here?"  
Dave just shrugs, without the slightest expression touching his face.  
"Ain't doin' shit," he says. Such a typical 'cool kid' answer. And Dave is a textbook 'cool kid'. "But now that you're here..."  
You think you see the slightest shadow of a sly smile touch his lips, but it's probably just your imagination.  
"Now that I'm here?" You didn't quite understand what he meant, maybe because he didn't finish his sentence.  
"Now that you're here," he continues. "You up for some totally ironic shenanigans?"  
"Sure!" You've got nothing better to do.  
"Cool." Dave still doesn't show the slightest emotion. "You up for a prank?"  
Oh boy, did he ask the right guy. You are an Egbert, descended from the great Colonel Sassacre himself. Instead of showing all your excitement, you decide to play it cool, and just nod.  
"I'm always up for a prank," you say, fully aware of the stupid grin on your face.  
"Cool," Dave says. "You know Karkat? I know the perfect prank for him."  
"Yeah?" You can barely wait to hear it.  
"You know how I said we once fought over the same girl? I was thinking about pestering him, but changing my text color to match hers."  
"Sound sweet," you say. It's not on your level of prank but, then again, you are a pranking master. "Let's do it."  
"Cool," Dave says. "Let me just fix the settings. There, done." 

Dave: prank Karkat.  \-- turntechGodhead  [TG]  began pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG]  at 17:47 -- 

TG: H3Y K4RKL3S   
CG: OH HEY TEREZI.   
CG: WAIT.   
CG: FUCK YOU DAVE.   
TG: WH4T ARE YOU T4LKING 4BOUT?? >:?   
CG: STRIDER, YOU KOW FULL FUCKING WELL WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT, YOU NOOKWHIFING SHITSPONGE. YOU EVEN MESSED UP HER QUIRK THERE.   
TG: K4RKL3S 1 DON’T KNOW WH4T YOUR3 T4LKING 4BOUT. WHY WOULD YOU TH1NK 1 4M D4VE??   
CG: BECAUSE I CAN SEE YOUR FUCKING CHUMHADLE YOU INSUFFERABLE PRICK.   
TG: oh yeah   
TG: well fuck me   
TG: didnt think that one through   
CG: WOO FUCKING HOO. YOU WON THE PRIZE. NOW SWITCH BACK FROM TEREZI'S COLOR. IT'S MIND FUCKING ME.   
TG: there   
TG: feel better???   
CG: ACTUALLY NO. AND FUCK YOU FOR ASKING.   
TG: woah there bro   
TG: no need to get fucking hateful up in here   
CG: YES THERE FUCKING IS. BECAUSE I HATE YOU, PLATONICALY, WITH A PASSION. AGAIN: PLATONICALY, SO DON’T GET ANY FUCKING IDEAS.   
TG: are you implying that you might be developing a calignous crush on me????   
TG: oh my   
TG: karkat i didnt know you felt that way about me   
CG: I FUCKING DON’T. CAN YOUR PATHETIC HUMAN THINKPAN EVEN UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF THAT WORD?   
calignous: the feeling that lays ground to a calignous or black relationship   
CG: FUCK YOU.   
CG: ALSO, THERE IS ANOTHER REASON YOUR STUPID FUCKING PRANK DIDN’T WORK.   
TG: and why is that??? 

\-- carcinoGenecist  [CG]  ceased trolling turntechGodhead  [TG]  at 17:54 -- 

**Dave: be confused.**

You are now Dave Strider, and you're confused. But you don’t let it show. You are a Strider, after all.  
"What happened, Dave?" Oh shit, John. You'd totally forgotten about him. But you play it cool.  
"He just left." You shrug.  
"Well, fuckass," oh fuck. "That's because I'm right fucking behind you."  
You, quickly, turn around. Still not letting shit through your mask of unyielding cool.  
"Sup Karkat." Was that really all you could think of?  
"Fuck you, Strider," man, Karkat has not become less pissed since last you saw him. "The fuck was that about?"  
You shrug.  
"Wanted to pull a prank," you say, which is true. "Thought this would be fun." Also true.  
"You're hilarious," something tells you Karkat doesn't mean that.  
"Don’t give Dave such a hard time, Karkat," wow, John's defending you, nice.  
"Who the fuck are you?" Karkat asks John.  
"We've met," John answers. "My name is John Egbert."  
"Where the fuck did we meet?" It seems it's not only you Karkat is angry towards.  
"At my family's joke shop," John says, seemingly unaffected by Karkat's angry way of speaking. "You came in there with your friend, he bought a puppet."  
"Oh yeah," Karkat says. "Has anyone come by and paid for that yet?"  
All right, you don’t know what the fuck is going on, but you don’t let it show.  
"No, not yet," John scratches the back of his head, dismissively. "But that's okay, they'll come when they do."  
Karkat sighs.  
"No it's not fucking okay," he says, and pulls out his wallet. "If they haven't come yes, it means they won't come at all. Subjugglators have some weird fucking idea that they are above everyone else, and they don’t like to pay. Now, how much was that puppet?"  
"Hold up," you say. "What fucking puppet?"  
You sure hope it's not the one you think it is.  
"The one that scared you," John says. Fuck.  
"Wait," Karkat says. "You got scared? You, Dave Strider, was scared by a fucking puppet?"  
"What," you make a defensive gesture. "It's a scary fucking puppet. You've seen it, Karkat. It's fucking scary."  
"Yeah," Karkat agrees, wow, did not expect that. "It's pretty fucking scary."  
"It's not that scary," John says, boy, he doesn't know.  
"Anyway," Karkat says. "How much for the creepy puppet? Just let me pay, you'll never get your fucking money otherwise."  
"Alright," John looks like he's thinking. "I think about fifty bucks."  
"Alright." Karkat pulls out fifty bucks from his wallet.  
"Oh no," John holds his hands up in a stopping gesture. "We can't do it like this. We'd have to go to the strore."  
"Then let's go. I feel fucking bad 'cause you won't get your fucking money."  
"Alright!" John grinns.  
He grabs your, and Karkat's arms. 

**Dave: be teleported.**

_ZAP!_

You see a flash of blue, and suddenly you, John and Karkat are in John's jokeshop.  
"Did you just use your God powers?" You ask.  
"Nope!" John's grin widens. "I got this from a Juju, remember?"  
Oh fuck, you forgot. John has more than just his God powers.  
"Oh yeah, you exist outside of space and time, right?" You think that's what he said.  
"Kind of, yeah." Great, you didn’t get it wrong.  
"Someone tell me what the fuck is going on," Karkat sounds, if possible, more angry than ususal. "One moment we're all in the street, and the next we're in Egbert's fucking jokeshop."  
"Oh, yeah," John says. "I can teleport."  
"Wow," Karkat doesn't really sound impressed. "That might be something you want to tell someone **before** you fucking teleport them!"  
"Sorry," John gets an apologetic look.  
"Fuck that, now," Karkat get's down to business, and pulls out the fifty bucks, again. "Here. Just fucking take it."  
John takes the money, and puts it in the cash register.  
"You want a receipt?" He asks.  
"No, fuck your receipt!" Karkat says.  
"Sorry, I'm compelled to ask," John replies.  
"Whatever, let's go," Karkat goes to the door, and walks out. You and John follow him. 

**Be Diamonds Droog.**

You are now Diamonds Droog, member of the Midnight Crew, and you currently have a clear shot of your targets. You should ask your boss before you shoot, though. 

**Droog: consult your boss.**

You call your boss, Spades slick.  
"Slick," he answers.  
"Hey, boss, this is Droog," you tell him. "I have a clear shot."  
"Good." He says. "Take it."  
"Are you sure?" You know you should obey your boss, but.. "I mean, Scratch said we shouldn't."  
"We ain't playing his game no more," Slick informs you, again. "Take the fucking shot, Droog."  
"Alright," He hangs up. 

**Droog: take the shot.**

You take the shot. 

**Dave: witness the shot.**

_BOOM!_

You hear the gun shot, and John is gone.  
"What the fuck was that?" Karkat looks around, confused more than scared.  
"Gun shot," you say. "That was a gun."  
"The fuck?" There's the fear. "And where is Egdork?"  
You look around, but al you can see is a mark in the ground, where the bullet hit. You see Karkat shiver.  
"What's up?" You ask.  
"You don’t feel the fucking wind?" Karkat replies.  
"What wind.." You don’t feel any wind. "Oh, yeah."  
"You feel it now, fuckwit?" Karkat asks.  
"No," you answer. "But I know what it is."  
You look around, at the buildings, trying to spot the shooter. You can't, so you assume it's clear.  
"John," you say. "You can come back, now."  
John materializes in front of you.  
"What the fuck?" Karkat can be pretty clueless, sometimes. "You were that obnoxious gust of wind?"  
John grins.  
"Yepp!"  
"Fuck you."  
You see someone stand there, with a surprised, and shocked look on their face. You have no idea who it is, and it doesn’t matter, because they've run away. Fuck.  
"John," you say. "Someone saw that. Someone not us."  
"What's wrong with that?" Man, he knows nothing of the world.  
"It's just that.." You begin, but then you remember that Rose said you shouldn’t tell him stuff. "Never mind."  
"The fuck do you mean never mind?" Oh shit, Karkat's here, you forgot.  
"Just never mind." You make it clear that this subject should not be further indulged in.  
"Oh crap!" You almost jump at John's exclamation. Almost. "I've got to go. My cousins will be home any minute and me and my sister aren't done!"  
"See ya," you bump his fist.  
"Later fuckwit," blunt as ever, Karkat.  
"Bye!" 

_ZAP!_

In a flash of blue light, John is gone.  
"Wellp," Karkat says. "I'm out too, see you, assmuncher."  
You don’t bump his fist. Instead you start heading back home, too. 

**Be Jack.**

You are now Jack Noir, and you just got a great report from your underling, Diamonds Droog. You should report it to Scratch, but fuck that. You're done with that guy. You're going to take care of those pesky God tiers on your own. You jump when your phone rings. You grin to yourself when you see that Scratch is calling you.  
"Yeeees?" You are feeling very on top of things right now.  
"I know what you did, Slick," Of course he does. "And so does my supervisor."  
Fuck, you didn’t really count on that.  
"Yeah?" You decide to play it cool.  
"Yes, and he says well done." Wait, what?  
"This stunt you pulled, while foolish, might prove to have a positive result."  
"What?"  
"There was a witness," a witness? How's that ever good?  
"Witnesses talk," you say. "Talk is not good."  
"In this case it is." How? "Your little stunt took place on Scourge ground, as I am sure you are aware of. And as you are aware of, your target used God powers to evade it."  
You begin to see where he's going with this.  
"So, you're saying that the Scourge might end up doing our job for us?"  
"Indeed." Yes! Fuck yes! "Perhaps I should have given you free reigns sooner."  
"Fuck yeah, you should." He should have.  
"Very well," he says "You are free to do as you please, so long as it helps our cause."  
"Roger." Well, you would've done stuff anyway.  
"That is all." He hangs up.  
You think you're starting to like the guy, you still hate him, but maybe a bit less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer to finnish, and wasn't very long, and I'm sorry. But I'd rather post something short than nothing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Jane: be stressed.**

You are now Jane Crocker, and you are stressed. Your cousins will be home any minute, and your brother is nowhere to be seen. Also, your prank isn't done yet. 

_ZAP!_

In a flash of blue light, your brother, John appears.  
"Where have you been, gosh darn it?" You say.  
"I was bored," he answers. "So I took a walk."  
"Darn it, John," You are very frustrated right now. "You can't just disappear like that! We have stuff to do."  
"Yeah, I know," he says. "That's why I came back. So, about the prank."  
You can't believe him.  
"It's as good as done." You inform him. "The tripwires are rigged and the slime is set up."  
"The confetti?" He asks, idiot, of course you've thought of that.  
"In place," you tell him. "It's just your part that needs to be done."  
He nods.  
"I did it before I left," Oh, well, that's good, you guess.  
"Then we just have to wait," you say. 

**Jade: arrive home.**

You are now Jade Harley. You have just gotten out of the cab, and you're now getting your bag out of the trunk. You notice the driver looking at you, again. Well, not you, your ears. You're guessing he's never seen a person with actual dog ears before. You smile at him and he looks away, face flushed.  
"Jade," your brother Jake says. "Can you help me?"  
You nod and take the bag he holds out to you, and he takes the other two. Jake pays the cab driver, and you walk to the house. Before you get to the door, Jake calls you.  
"Jade," he says. "Be careful."  
Oh yeah, your cousins are major pranksters. You should be prepared for.. Something. You nod to Jake, showing that you understand. You mentally prepare yourself. 

**Jade: open the door.**

You open the door. Nothing happens.  
"Welcome home!" John says and gives you a warm welcome embrace. "What's wrong?" He asks when he lets go, he must have seen your concerned expression.  
"Nothing," you say. You have to admit you're a bit disappointed, they always pranked Jake when he came home.  
You had been both scared and excited to see had in store for you, but no. No prank as far as the eye can see. You look at both John and Jane, they both look completely innocent. Like they have nothing planned, then again, they always do.  
"Welcome home," Jane is a lot calmer than John, and her hug is not as violent, but just as warm. "How about you two get your things to your rooms, and there'll be something nice waiting for you when you come down."  
"Nice!" You bet Jane's baked something delicious.  
You take your bag and hurry upstairs, Jake does the same. You open the door to your room. 

_SPLASH!_

Slime. You're covered in slime. And confetti. You're covered in slime and confetti. You hear John and Jane laughing from downstairs. Why would you think they wouldn’t prank you? They'd always pranked Jake, why wouldn't they prank you?  
"Screw you!" You shout, but you cant help smiling.  
As you walk in to leave your bag, you feel a tripwire against your leg. But its too late, the wire breaks. A towel hits you in the face, before you can even see it coming. How considerate of them. You leave your bag on the floor and go back down. You wipe the slime off as you go. When you come down, you see Jane holding a tray of cupcakes. You look at them suspiciously.  
"These are okay," John says. He takes one and takes a bite to prove it. They both grin at you.  
"Honestly," Jane says. "Did you expect not to be pranked?"  
"No, I expected it," you say. "I just thought, maybe, you'd be more serious. With everything that happened."  
"You?" John says. "You want us to be more serious?"  
"Yeah!" How dumb can he be? "People died!"  
"No one we know," he says, how can he be so heartless? "And besides, there's nothing we could to help."  
"Says Rose," you're still not completely sure weather you trust her or not, you don’t even know her.  
"I trust Rose," John says. "Dave says it's best to do as she says."  
"Who's this Dave chap?" You hadn't noticed Jake coming down the stairs. He, too, is wiping himself off with a towel.  
"Just a guy who came into the shop one day," John answers. "Him and his family are God tiers."  
"Well, I'd like to meet this chap," Jake says. "And his family. I think it'd be good for us to know more God tiers."  
"Should I arrange it now?" John asks.  
"Sure, why not?" Jake says.  
"I'll pester Dave, then." John take's out his phone. 

**John: pester Dave.**

\-- tctoBiologist  [EB]  began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  at 18:28 -- 

EB: hey dave.   
TG: sup   
TG: whats up??   
EB: my cousins arrived today and they want to meet you and your family.   
TG: cool   
EB: when would work for you guys?   
TG: anytime I guess   
EB: how about tomorrow around three? at the shop.   
TG: sure   
TG: that should work   
EB: then it's decided.   
TG: cool 

\-- ectoBiologist  [EB]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [EB]  at 18:30 -- 

**John: inform your family.**

You are now John Egbert.  
"We're meeting up with Dave's family tomorrow at three," you say.  
"Oh, good," Jake says. "I look forward to meeting them." 

**John: wait for Dave and his siblings.**

>You are now John Egbert and, once again, you are waiting for Dave in his siblings with your sister, Jane, in your Dad's joke shop. Only, this time, Jade and Jake are with you.  
"So, let me get this straight," Jake says. "You met this chap, Dave, when he came into the shop, and he just told you he was God tier?"  
"No," you answer. "I found out he was God tier when he tried to Rewind time."  
"Oh, that makes more sense," Jake nods to himself.  
You go over and sit down by a table in the café area of the shop.  
"When will they be here?" Jade asks. "It's almost three."  
"We'll know," you smile to yourself.  
"How?" Jake asks.  
"You'll see," you lean back and close your eyes.  
A few minutes go by without anything happening.  
"Golly," Jake exclaims. "That's a lot of crows."  
"Ah," you say. You lean back until you fall. You then turn into wind, and materialize beside Jake. "They're here."  
"That's how we know?" Jade asks, giggling. "Crows?"  
"Yepp," you nod. "Crows. They seem to follow Dave around."  
Speaking of Dave, you see him and his siblings come around the corner.  
"That them?" Jake asks.  
"Aha," you answer.  
"Which one is Dave?" Jade asks.  
"Aviators," you answer, you figure that's enough.  
"He's kind of cute," Jade giggles.  
You chuckle and pat her head, between her ears. She let's out a faint _woof_ and her ears twitch.  
You let your hand fall to your side, and you could swear you hear Jade let out a faint whining noise. You chuckle, lightly. Dave opens the door, and time pauses. Everyone around you freeze.  
"Why'd you do that?" You ask.  
Dave shrugs.  
"Dunno," he answers. "Figured there'd be another prank, I guess."  
"Nope," you shake your head. "Not this time. Jade and Jake aren't as into pranks as me and Jane."  
"Oh yeah, your cousins," Dave looks ad Jake and Jade. "That's why we met up." 

****Dave: meet John's cousins.** **

You are now Dave Strider, and you are just about to meet John's cousins. But you can't meet John's cousins, because Time is still frozen, so instead you look at them. The girl, Jade, is pretty cute. You mentally slap yourself for thinking that. She isn't as cute as John, though. You mentally straight up punch yourself for thinking that.  
"Um, Dave?" John breaks you from your thoughts.  
"Sup?" You ask.  
"Could you, you know, unfreeze time?" He asks.  
"Oh, yeah," you smack yourself on the forehead. 

****Dave: unfreeze Time.** **

You unfreeze time, and the world around you starts moving.  
"There we go," you say.  
"You paused, didn't you?" Rose asks.  
"I thought there'd be another prank," you say. "Just wanted to make sure."  
"Good," Dirk says. "Now I don’t have to smack a bitch."  
"Anyway.." John says. "Introductions."  
"Right," the guy you assume is Jake says. "I'm Jake. Jake English."  
He walks up to you and shakes your hand.  
"Sup," you say. "I'm Dave Strider."  
He moves on to Roxy. Instead of shaking, he kisses her hand, with a slight bow.  
"Oh, Jakey," Roxy says, overly dramatic. "You're making me swoon."  
You lay a hand on her shoulder.  
"Rox," you say. "Calm them waterworks."  
"Dave, a girl needs some fun." She grins at you.  
Rose doesn’t have, at all, the same reaction as Roxy. It's probably because of her not being interested in guys in the slightest. Jake moves on to Dirk. When they shake hands you see something happen. Dirk seems to stiffen up. Oh boy, here we go.  
"Dirk," he says, and runs his hand through his hair. "Dirk Strider."  
"Bro," you say, grinning. "I'm gonna have to say the same thing I told Roxy."  
He shifts behind you, but he ain't gonna catch you off guard. You duck underneath his hand, avoiding getting your shades smacked off.  
"Calm down there, chap," Jake says. "But golly, that was quick."  
"Now," Rose says. "How about we get to know each other."  
"Yeah," Roxy agrees. "Let's start with God tier stuff."  
"Right," John says. "We've already explained your powers to Jake and Jade, so how about they tell you about themselves."  
"Sounds great!" Jade shrips. "I'll start. My aspect is Space. I can move things, and change their size."  
"Mhm," Rose looks thoughtful. "I'd say Witch."  
"Excuse me?" Jade turns to her, a bit of green sparks around her ears.  
"Jade, calm down," John says and lays a hand on her shoulder. "Witch is an aspect, it defines how you use your powers."  
"Oh," Jade says. "I'm sorry."  
"Don’t mention it," Rose says. "However, I'm not sure about those ears."  
"They're from a Juju," Jade says. "I'm part God Dog."  
"And what powers does that give?" Rose asks.  
"Similar to John's," she says. "Except I can teleport objects separate from myself, and I can't travel in time. And I'm part dog!"  
Man, you have to admit, those dog ears make her look cuter. You hand your ass to yourself, say thanks and then proceed to play a game of kick ass with yourself. Mentally.  
"Alright," Rose says. "And how about you, Jake?"  
Jake scratches himself on the back of his head.  
"Well," he begins. "I can't really do much."  
"Oh, Okay," rose scratches her cheek, thinking. "Well, what can you do?"  
"Um, I can fly," Jake says. "And I'm immortal. I basically have all the basic powers, but nothing special."  
"Aha," Rose nods to herself. You think you know what conclusion she has drawn. "What color is your God outfit?"  
"Kind of yellowish," Jake says. "With a pair of wings on the chest."  
"Alright," Rose says. "I think you're a Page of Hope."  
You would have guessed that as well. You don’t know as much as Rose, but you've studied the archives a bit, so you know some things. You see Jake looking confused.  
"Being a Page means you will be very weak in the beginning," Rose explains. "And it will take long for you to reach your full potential. But when you do, you'll be very powerful. A fully grown Page of Hope is one of the most powerful Classpects."  
"Oh," Jake says. You can't quite make out if he sounds happy, or disappointed. "How long does it take before I'm that strong?"  
"It's different from person to person," Rose says. "But I'd say the average is a couple of years. How long ago did you ascend?"  
"Well, I was sixteen," He begins. "So.. Eight years?"  
Jane nods in confirmation.  
"Same for me," she says. "John and Jade were thirteen. We all ascended around the same time."  
Rose nods to herself.  
"It's the same for us," you say. You had been quiet for too long, your tongue needed some exercise.  
That's when you notice that Dirk still hasn't relaxed, or taken his eyes off Jake. You chuckle. 

**Be Jack.**

You are now Jack Noir. You're currently watching eight God tiers in the same fucking place. It's like a fucking goldmine. You are just about to call Deuce, to blow them all sky high, when you remember something Scratch said; if you just blow them up, they'll probably just resurrect. Fuck, you hate that he's right. Then you grin, when you remember that one of them are as good as dead. You are also really happy that you don’t have to report to Scratch every fucking day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a lot longer than I thought it would. I could probably have made this shorter, but I didn't want to post a short chapter. I will do my best to have an update ready for 413.


	7. Chapter 7

**Be John.**

You are now John Egbert. You are currently standing in your bedroom. Just standing there, like an imbecile. It just so happens that today, the thirteenth of April, is your birthday. Today is the day you become twenty one years old. It's been twenty one years since you were given the name ~~Zoosmell Pooplord~~ John Egbert. You have no idea why you're just standing in your room on this day, but that appears to be what you're doing. Actually, you do have on reason why you're just standing in your room. You're pretty sure that Jane has set up a prank for you, as is tradition between the two of you. While pranks are fun, both to do and be subjected to, this is different. Jane, like you, is a master prankster, so you have no idea what to expect. Thus, you stay in your room. You realize that staying in your room all day is stupid. 

**John: leave your room.**

You open your door, slowly, and stick your head outside. You are met by the smell of baked goods. Of course Jane would bake for your birthday, she always does. Despite your very clear distain of baked goods, or anything remotely associated with the Betty Crocker brand. Right when you close the door you think you hear a noise, but you ignore it. You walk through the hallway, towards the stairs, as carefully as possible. You stop. Why are you walking at all? 

**John: don’t walk.**

You let yourself fall forward, and turn into a breeze. You float the rest of the hallway, and down the stairs. You don’t see anyone in the living room, but you hear something from the kitchen. You float in through the door. 

**John: realize you fucked up.**

Now you realize what it was you heard. It was a fan, or, several fans. You immediately get caught up in the vortex caused by the fans, and just like that, you're stuck. You materialize, and are no longer stuck in that damn vortex. Oh fuck! 

**John: be caked.**

You only see the cake when it's too late. You are hit square on by creamy goodness. You can't see shit, because your glasses are covered with cream, but you can hear your sister and cousins laughing. You feel someone give you a towel. You wipe the cream off your face.  
"That was a good one," you say. It really was. "The fans were clever."  
Jane nods, and look proud.  
"I thought you would come as the Breeze, to avoid being pranked," she says. "And I was right."  
You chuckle.  
"But it's not going to work again," you tell her.  
"I know," she says. "But that's the rule, too. Never pull the same prank twice. That's the first thing dad taught us."  
"True," you grin. "But after all these years, that rule is getting harder and harder to follow. I mean, pretty soon, even the daunting text is going to run out of ideas."  
Jane chuckles.  
"Don’t underestimate the colonel, John," she says. "Old Sassacre is craftier that you might think, which says a lot."  
You nod. The book left behind by your adoptive great-great-grandfather still has many untapped secrets.  
"Pranks and tricks aside," Jake says. "Happy birthday, chap!"  
"Yeah!" Jade chimes in. "Happy birthday, John!"  
You just stand there with a stupid, awkward, smile on your face. Man, why are birthdays always so awkward?  
"Thanks," you don’t really know what to say. You never do.  
"Now," Jane claps her hands together. "Time for cake."  
You open your mouth to says something, but Jane interrupts.  
"I've made it from scratch," she says. "Not a trace of Betty Crocker in it."  
You assume a skeptical look.  
"Don’t worry, John," Jade says. "Me and Jake both saw her make it."  
You smile, and nod.  
"Then I'll have some," you say, even though you don’t really like baked goods in general. But you remember what happened last year when you refused Jane's cake, and you don’t want that again.  
Jane hands you a slice of cake, and you take a bite. It's actually pretty good. You nod approvingly, with your mouth full of cake. Jane shines up.  
"Glad you like it," she says.  
Jake, Jane and Jade each get a piece as well.  
"Wow, Jane!" Jade says. "This has to be the best one you've ever made!"  
"See?" You say. "I told you it would be better without the Batterwitch!"  
Jane chuckles.  
"Appears I will have to make more from scratch, then." She says. You all nod.  
Suddenly, you hear a noise outside. You look outside and, what do you know, crows.  
"You know," you say. "For the last week, crows have only meant one thing."  
Jane grins, and Jade breaks out in giggles. Even Jake gives a little chuckle.  
"We told them," Jane says. "It appears they are here now."  
"I'll get them!" Jade says, and disappears in a green flash. She then reappears, with Dave and his siblings. "Here we are." 

**Dave: be mildly amazed.**

You are now Dave Strider. You would be more amazed with being teleported, if it hadn't happened before. This did feel a little bit different, though. It felt a bit warmer, like being out in the sun. Also it was green not blue. You look around a bit. It appears you have been teleported to a kitchen. The smell of cake fills your nose.  
"Yo," you say. "Who's the one that made that cake I smell?"  
"That would be me," John's sister, Jane, says.  
"Smells fucking amazing," you say, and she shines up.  
"Glad you think so," she says.  
You notice another green flash, and suddenly you have a piece of cake in your hand.  
"I'm not even gonna question that," you say. "That's awesome."  
"Just curious," Roxy says. "Why are there so many fans in here?"  
"Oh," Jane chuckles. "It's for the prank we played on John."  
"Was it a good one?" Dirk asks.  
John nods.  
"They got me good," he says. "First with the fans, and then with cake in the face."  
"Ah," Dirk grins. "A classic."  
Jane nods.  
"Normally we never play the same prank twice," she says. "But classics are the exception."  
"That is actually a great rule, Janey," Roxy says. "Who taught you everything?"  
"Our dad," John says. "He was a master prankster!"  
"Was?" Rose asks. "He's not anymore?"  
John shrugs.  
"We don’t know," He says. "He went missing a few weeks after I ascended."  
"Same with our Bro," Dirk says. "He disappeared a couple weeks before Dave ascended."  
"It's the same with our mom," Rose says. "It seems like all our guardians vanished around the time of our ascension."  
"Did your guardians train you before they went missing?" Jade asks.  
You nod.  
"Yepp," you say. "Our bro taught us to fight, and move quickly."  
"Ooh!" Jade sounds excited. "How fast?"  
Dirk shifts behind her.  
"This fast," he says and Jade jumps.  
You chuckle.  
"Only Dirk can move like that," you say. "I'm not even close to that fast. But I have my own tricks."  
"Time shenanigans is cheating," Dirk says.  
You shrug.  
"It ain't cheating if it's part of the game," you say. "Besides, I'd have to freeze time completely to keep up with you."  
"What did you your mom teach you?" John asks Roxy.  
She giggles. Rose is the one to answer.  
"To drink, mainly," she says. "She didn't really do much else."  
"Yeah.." Roxy says, with a smile. "How about you guys?" She directed the question at Jake and Jade.  
"Our grandpa taught us to shoot!" Jade says. "Well, we lived on an island, so we kinda had to hunt our own food."  
"Sweet!" Roxy says. "What guns do you use?"  
"I use these," Jake takes out two hand guns. "My twin M9 Berettas."  
"And I usually use a regular hunting rifle," Jade says. "Do you use guns too?"  
"I do," Roxy says. "But they don’t."  
"Oh," Jane says. "What kind of weaponry do you use?"  
"Me and Dirk use swords," You say.  
"I use needles," Rose says. "Knitting needles."  
"Anyway," you say and turn to John. "Dude, happy birthday."  
"Yeah," Roxy says, and smiles. "Happy birthday, John!"  
Huh, that was a surprise. Normally Roxy makes up some kind of nickname for everyone. Oh boy, you think you know where this will go, eventually. You then notice Rose twitch a bit.  
"What's up?" You ask her.  
"We should go upstairs," she says.  
"Oh," Jane looks a bit confused. "Okay. Follow me."  
She leads you out of the kitchen, and up the stairs. John skips ahead.  
"Well," he says, and stands in front of a door. "This is my room."  
He opens the door, and freezes.  
"What the hell?" He says. He turns to you looking a bit lost. "My bedsheets are gone."  
You chuckle.  
"What?" It sounds pretty unbelievable.  
"Look," he says, and you do. And god damn, his fucking bedsheets are gone.  
In two quick flashes of green, Jade disappears, and reappears.  
"Mine are fucking gone too!" She exclaims. She then turns to Jake and Jane. "So are yours!"  
"Alright," you say. "This has officially gone into weird territory."  
"Dave," Jade says. "Couldn't you go back in time and check this out?"  
"Um.. No," you say. "Whenever I use my powers too much, the dead Daves start to appear. And we don’t want that. Dead Daves are the enemy."  
"I'll go," John says.  
You sense he is just about to zap away when Rose speaks.  
"No," she says. "That's probably not a good idea."  
"Oh, okay." John says. You're a bit surprised by his trust in Rose. Normally it takes people a while to fully trust her instincts and hunches. "I suppose we could just put in new ones."  
"Dave," Rose says, suddenly. "What's the time?"  
"It's ten thirty," You answer instantly. You always seem to know what time it is.  
"Oh dear," She exclaims. "I'm late! I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid we have to go."  
"Oh, okay," John says, he doesn't sound upset. "I'll walk you out." He turns to Jane. "Why don't you guys put in new bedsheets?"  
Jane nods, and John walks with you down the stairs.  
"What do you think it means?" John asks you. "With the bed sheets, I mean."  
You shrug.  
"No clue," you say. "Time will tell, I guess."  
John chuckles at your pun. God damn, that's cute. Mental slap.  
"Right," John says, when you reach the door. "I suppose I'll see you guys around."  
"Yeah," you say. "See ya."  
You suppose you looked at John a little too long, because you turn around to Rose wiggling her eyebrows at you. You give her a sour look. Or, you would, if you weren't too cool, or your shades weren't in the way. 

**Be Jack.**

You are now Jack Noir, and you've just gotten some good news from your underling, Droog. Good thing, too. That fucker's little stunt with the gun could have been very bad. Suddenly your phone rings. 

**Jack: answer.**

"Slick," you say when you pick up. You think you have an idea who it might be.  
"It appears that your accomplice's little stunt payed off." Yepp, you were right. The voice that seems to come from everywhere definitely belongs Doc. Scratch.  
"Yeah, I heard," You say, a stupid grin on your carapace face. "Things could not have turned out better."  
"Agreed," Huh, for once you actually agree on something. This is probably not the first time, you just like to say that. "That is all, Slick."  
He hangs up. You are a bit scared, because you find yourself hating him less and less with every conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for not being able to post this on 413 as I had planned. Unfortunatly, I was away from home the week before easter, and didn't have a good internet connection (sadly, I didn't have a cat filled lab nearby). Anyway, hopefuly the plot will start for real in the next chapter, but we'll see.


	8. Chapter 8

**John: walk around randomly.**

You are now John Egbert, and you're just walking around randomly in the area around your joke shop. Why are you walking around randomly? Well, you have nothing better to do. You don’t have to work the store, Jade is doing that, you don’t have to do anything around the house, Jake is doing that. And thus, you find yourself walking around randomly, waiting for something to happen. Little do you know, something very interesting, and perhaps even dangerous, is about to happen. 

**Be the nameless mobster.**

You are now the nameless mobster. You are going to remain nameless, because you are not an important character, and you don’t need a name. No matter what your non-existent name is, you are not walking around randomly. You're not even walking, in fact, you're sitting in a van. A very suspicious white van. The van you are in is currently following that Egbert guy. You don't really know why, they don’t tell anything to unimportant guys such as yourself. All you know is that you're getting paid to do it, so you do what you're told.  
"Alright," the guy driving the van says. He doesn't have a name either. "It's time, let's go."  
You nod. The van drives up next to the Egbert dude, and you open the side door and grab him. You pull him into the van and put a bag over his head. The door closes and the van speeds away. Holy shit, this guy does not go without a fight, he's struggling so much that you have to knock him out.  
"You got him?" The driver asks, you nod. "Good, then back to base it is." 

**Jane: wonder a little about John.**

You are now Jane Crocker. You're wondering a bit about your brother. He said he was bored, and went for a walk, which isn't too uncommon, so you're not really worried. However, you can't help but wonder what he's up to. 

**John: what are you up to?**

You are now John Egbert. You have no clue what you're up to, because you're currently unconscious. All you can remember is walking around in the city, then suddenly being pulled into a van and knocked in the head. You suppose you'll just have to wait until you wake up. 

**Dave: be told what to do.**

You are now Dave Strider. Normally no one tells you what to do, but this situation is a little different. Your phone buzzes, Rose is pestering you. 

**Dave: answer.**

\-- tentacleTherapist  [TT]  began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  at 10:26 -- 

TT: Dave.   
TG: rose   
TG: whats up???   
TT: I have a feeling we should pay the Scourge a visit.   
TG: i know we should trust your hunches   
TG: but that dont sound like a good idea to me   
TT: Dirk an Roxy said the same, and I can not say I blame them. Our last meeting with the Scourge didn't exactly end on the best of terms, so to speak.   
TG: exactly   
TG: so why would visiting them have a good outcome??   
TT: I'm fairly sure they have taken John.   
TG: so now youre okay with helping him???   
TT: Yes, it appears he has gotten himself into some, as you would put it, deep shit.   
TG: yeah that sounds about right   
TG: wellp im off to pay those trolls a visit   
TT: And I'll convince Roxy and Dirk. We'll see you there.   
TG: yes well im off   
TG: see ya 

\-- tentacleTherapist  [TT]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  at 10:29 -- 

**Dave: pay those trolls a visit.**

You put your phone down, a determined look on your face. You make a dramatic ascent to the roof. With a _fwoosh_ you change into your God tier outfit. Damn, that's comfy. You equip the Caledscratch, a sword that is works very well with your Time aspect. You bend your knees lightly, and _PCHOOOOO!!_ you take off into the air, like fucking superman. Holy fuck, you missed this feeling. You wonder how John is doing. 

**John: how are you doing?**

You are now John Egbert. You are no longer unconscious, but you still don’t know what's going on, because you have a bag over your head. You do know that you are no longer in the van, you are being led through what you think is a hallway. You aren't really worried, you can always turn into the Breeze and get out of there, but you want to know what happens next. Suddenly you are stopped, and you feel a hand grab the bag over your head. But before whoever it is can pull it off you hear a loud crash. Did someone fall through the ceiling? You don’t know, because you have a bag over your head and can't really see. You hear a laugh. You know that laugh, can it be? No, you don’t think so, but it sure sounds like. You hear people running around you, and shouting. Alright, you really want to know what's going on.  
"Hey!" You shout. "Could someone take this bag off my head?"  
"Everybody stop!" A voice shouts. You know that voice, and it makes sense, considering the laugh you heard earlier.  
The commotion around you stops almost in an instant. Someone pulls the bag of your head. The first thing you see is Dave, wearing red pajamas and a cape, you recognize it as a God tier outfit.  
"Sup, bro," he says. "You alright?"  
You just nod.  
"Joooooooohn," oh shit, you know that voice. "How about you turn your attention to the ones in charge here."  
You look towards the voice, and your suspicions are confirmed. Sitting there in two throne-like chairs, are two trolls you never thought you'd see again.  
"Vriska?" You say. "Terezi? What's going on?"  
"Woah, hold the fuck up for one second here," Dave says. "You know them?"  
You nod.  
"Oh he knows us, alright," Terezi says. "He's been in quadrants with both of us."  
Dave's mouth falls open. This is the first time you've ever seen him surprised.  
"You what?" Dave sounds almost offended.  
"Don't worry, Dave," Vriska says. "This was all before we bumped into you and you and your annoying little family."  
"Would you mind informing us as to what quadrants you were in?" You hear Rose say, you didn’t even know they were here.  
"Well," Terezi begins. "Me and John were black, even though he was to ignorant to understand it. And he and Vriska.. Well, they were as red as that delicious cape of yours."  
"This is really confusing." Dave says. "I don’t get it."  
"It didn’t work out between us, though," Vriska says. "I'm soooooooo sorry about that."  
"Yeah, I guess a relationship built on the mutual love for a shitty human actor is kind of doomed to fail," Terezi says with a wide grin, showing all of her pointed teeth.  
"Nick Cage is a hunk," Vriska says. "And John agrees with me."  
She looks at you, really looks at you.  
"Um, well.." You begin. "I've kinda realized that he isn't as good as I thought he was. And Con Air really isn't a very good movie."  
You see something flash in Vriska's eyes and you realize that maybe you shouldn't have talked down to Nick Cage, or Con Air, in front of Vriska. She gets up from her throne. This is not good.  
"You were the one who introduced me to the world of long-haired hunks, and now you say that you don't fucking like him any more?" Oh man, she sounds really angry. It kind of makes sense, though.  
You've kind of guessed that one of the main reasons the two of got together was your shared love for Nickolas Cage. You mean, basically all you did together was watch Nick Cage movies.  
"Um, well.." You begin, scratching the back of your head. "It's not that I don’t like him.. I guess I just don’t like him as much as I did before."  
She promptly walks up to you and grabs you around your throat with her robotic arm.  
"John Egbert, you take that back right now." She looks you dead in the eye. You're having a hard time breathing.  
You realize that you need to get out of this chokehold as soon as you possible. Man, Vriska's metal arm is strong. 

**John: get out of that choke hold.**

You turn into the Breeze and Vriska's hand is now trying to grasp on to wind. You materialize behind her. You hear Terezi laugh.  
"I guess that brings us to the matter at hand," she says. Vriska nods. "John, we heard a rumor that you were God tier, and you just kind of confirmed that."  
"Yeah, I am," you say.  
"Yeah, see, that wouldn’t be a problem," Vriska says. "Buuuuuuuut the fact that you're not registered, and used your powers on our turf.. Well, that makes you our problem."  
"What's wrong with doing that?" You ask.  
"See," Vriska says. "God tiers have to be registered, by law. And we have taken it upon ourselves to enforce those laws."  
"And unfortunately for you," Terezi shrugs, "Since you're an illegal God tier.. We kind of have to kill you."  
"Oh hell no!" Dave says, and pulls out a sword.  
"Ooooooooh, this'll be fun," Vriska says. "Been too long since we've had a good fight."  
Terezi nods and gets up from her throne. She leans her hands on the dragon-head on her cane, and Vriska pulls out eight eight-sided dice. Dave looks at you.  
"Um, fight," he says. "Weapon?"  
"Oh, right," you say.  
You equip one of your hammers. You also change into your God tier outfit. You notice Terezi sniff in the air. Right, that's how she sees.  
"Blue boy," she says. "I've missed your blueberry scent."  
"Are those irons?" Dave asks.  
You grin, and your hammer lets out some steam.  
"This," you say. "Is the Wrinklefucker."  
"That has to be one of the best names for a weapon I've ever heard," Dave says.  
You grin. You get a steadier grip on your hammer. You feel a hand on your shoulder. You turn around to see Roxy standing behind you. When did she get here?  
"Johny," She says. "Rosey said a fight wouldn't be a good idea."  
"Exactly," You hear Rose say. Seriously, when did they get here? "A fight involving God tiers could easily get out of hand, and cause vast destruction."  
"But that's soooooooo boring!" Vriska says. "And besides, we still have to kill John."  
"Not if we take responsibility," Rose responds.  
"Rose, Rose, Rose," Terezi says. "I'm afraid that's not really how it works. See, he's still not registered. And we can't just start giving out passes."  
"Let us worry about that," Rose answers. "We will make sure to get him registered."  
"I have to agree with Rose," You turn towards Terezi. "A fight would probably not be very good."  
"Augh! Fiiiiiiiine!" Vriska says, though she doesn’t seem very happy about it. "I guess I have no choice but to let you go. But I will have this opportunity again because, after all, I have aaaaaaaall the luck."  
Rose comes up to you.  
"Are you alright, John?" She asks, you nod. "Good, let's get out of here."  
"Yeah," You say. "Come here, I'll get us out."  
They look a little confused, but they still come.  
"Come on," you say. "Closer, I'll have to touch you."  
They look a little more confused, but they do as you say. You hold out your hands, and they grab hold.  
"You ready?" You ask, and they nod. 

_ZAP!_

**Dave: check on John.**

In a flash of blue you're in John's kitchen. The smell of cupcakes filled the air.  
"You.." You begin. "You could have escaped the entire time?!"  
John smiles sheepishly.  
"Yeah," he says. "But I wanted to know what would happen."  
"I Saw that it would be good to come to your rescue.." Rose says, then she chuckles. "However I didn't see _why_ it would be good."  
"What's going on?" You hadn't noticed Jade come in. "Why are you all in your pajamas?"  
"Um.." John begins. "I was kidnapped by the mob."  
"WHAT!?" Jade almost shouts. "Why the fuck did that happen?"  
"I was seen using my God powers," John explains. "They didn't like that, and they wanted to kill me."  
"They still do," Rose says. "Now I understand why it was important for us to be there."  
"Why?" John asks.  
"You can't stay here," Dirk says. "Those trolls don’t give up, and they will come for you."  
"And seeing as you guys have history," Roxy ads. "They probably know where you live."  
"Wait," Jade says, suspicious. "Why would they know where we live?"  
"Well, see.." John scratches behind his head, awkwardly. "Remember those trolls I had quadrants with a while back?"  
"Yeah! Vriska and Terezi, right?" Jade shines up, a little, then she gets a suspicious look on her face. "Are they the ones...?"  
John nods.  
"Yeah," he says. "Apparently they're mob bosses now."  
"So," Jade says. "We can't stay here. I'll go tell the others."  
She leaves the kitchen.  
"What now?" You ask.  
"You need to get their bedsheets," Rose says.  
"Why would I do that?" You ask, it seems stupid to take their bedsheets.  
"Because you did," Rose says. "Or will, or however you want to put it. Remember John's birthday?"  
"Oh right," you do remember. "That was me?"  
Rose nods.  
"Well fuck," you say. "Sorry for stealing your sheets."  
"It's okay," John says. "Seems like you'll have to do it again, though."  
"Yeah, it seem that way," you agree.  
"We should get a move on," Rose says, and you nod.  
You all head upstairs. It seems like Jane, Jade and Jake have already started packing.  
"I'll start packing too, if that's alright," John says.  
"You only really need to take the absolutely essential stuff," Rose says. "You'll probably be able to return here at some point."  
A choir of "okay" greet you back. 

**John: get done**

You are now John Egbert, and you're just about done packing. You took Rose's advice and only packed the essential. You leave your room with a small bag. You haven't packed much in the way of clothes, since you figure you can always zap back and get what you need. But you've understood that it'll probably not be good to spend time here. When you get back to the others you see a pile of sheets on the ground.  
"I just want to say," Dave says. "I took the sheets for ironic reasons."  
"Whatever gets you through the night," Dirk says and pats his shoulder.  
"Fuck you," Dave responds.  
"Squabbles aside," Rose says. "I say we get going."  
You turn around and see that your family is done packing as well. They, too, have a pretty small bag each.  
"Let's go then," you say, and you all leave the house. After changing back to normal clothes. 

**Jack: get a less than happy phone call.**

You are now Jack Noir, and your phone is ringing. 

**Jack: answer.**

"Yeah?" You answer. You know who it is, because literally no one else has called you these last few weeks.  
"Slick," oh crap, Scratch doesn’t sound very happy.  
"What?" You ask him.  
"The Egbert boy is still alive," He says. Wait, what?  
"What?" Now you sound more shocked than annoyed.  
"It appears the Scourge didn’t manage to kill him," He tells you.  
"Yeah, I kinda figured that," and you're back to being annoyed. "Why didn't they kill him?"  
"Striders," He says. Fucking Striders. "And it appears their sisters were there as well."  
Fuck.  
"Damn them," you say. Now you're full on pissed.  
"This means we will have to take action," And just like that, you're intrigued. "I will contact you again, to tell you what to do. That was all."  
And he hangs up. At least you're glad that you'll finally get to do something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize that this took a while. I've been pretty busy, what with the end of the school year and all. Also I hit a bit of a wrighters block, but hey, it's something. Next update will probably take a while, too.


End file.
